{21-10-17}
I saw that girl on you story today. Something inside me broke or shattered.
Immediately I felt anxious talking to you, cautious even. I felt the roots planted in me from my last disaster were started to show, that some how magically you became her and mysteriously just played me like some goddamn fiddle. You became her in mental, physical and all. You just became her. There was no comfortability anymore, it was just anxiety. Tiptoeing around the subject in complete fear that you'd somehow erupt and poisonous words would slip your tongue so easily without remorse. For a moment I felt that emptiness.
Please lord. Please do not let me go through this again.
I then did what I do best. I creeped. I checked any bit of social media I could. I searched for something that could be literally nothing but hey, that what you get with someone who's been mentally, borderline physically abused by not one, but two assholes who claimed to love me and just a who is literally just a ball of anxiety, But it comes with the package. And the nice rump of course.
"oh god damn it. Would she really? Really?"
"But what if that's her old flame."
"No. Stop. You're just being insecure. It's okay."
"But no....no bitch I'm pretty sure that's her."
"Well shit"
*internal conflict*
"God damn it. Why don't you just ask her.
No. I'm not crazy and this is stupid. Stop it."
"But it is. Go creep"
"Well fuck"
I'm sorry. I don't know how to do anything but apologize. I contradict myself.
"She said she doesn't want to date because she's not ready yet, that just means she sincerely isn't ready yet."
"Bye. She doesn't want to date because she still wants her freedom."
It's a constant conflict within myself. So, now I'm just laying in my bed thinking about how long you're taking to reply and how you're probably still FaceTiming her. Probably falling asleep on FaceTime with her.
-thanks.
