A one time thing {Severus Snape}

Chapter 50: Above the law

Usual disclaimer. I own nothing. Once again, huge thanks to Camille for all her hard work. Any errors remaining are all mine!

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Snape felt old, old and worn, like a very old jumper that was falling apart at the seams. He ran a hand across his eyes, sighing deeply. He had thought everything was working out; he had thought everything was going to be okay.

He let his head fall back against the stone wall behind him. Obviously thinking wasn't his forte anymore.

Life had never been easy for him, not even with Megan by his side. After four years he still woke up occasionally in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. He would be paying for his mistakes for the rest of his life, and now he had passed on the burden of punishment to Senga.

She was so young and so old at the same time. It had frightened him how quickly he had grown to love her. He had taken one look at her determined little face, so blank and carefully controlled, and he felt something inside him die. She was like Meg in some ways: to really know what either of them was thinking, he would have to see their eyes. Meg these days had nothing to hide from him; her eyes always seemed to shine with love when she looked at him. A love he still did not deserve.

But Senga, her eyes were not unlike his. They were a warmer brown than his own hard, cold, black ones, but to read the emotions in them was harder. But even so, sometimes he had looked into them and read a fear so strong that it sent chills down his spine. And sometimes he'd seen defeat in them.

He drew his head from the wall and let it fall back again, the sting from the impact not even breaking his train of thought.

He should have pushed her more, tried to get deeper into her thinking. But there again, she was a Snape, with walls built so high he doubted even she could see the top. But he should have tried harder to get through the walls. He should have done more than he did. He had failed her; when she needed him most, he had failed her.

His hand crunched over the papers in his pocket as he closed his eyes in pain. It all seemed so futile now, so bloody futile.

Severus Snape master of his own life.

He snorted into the darkness his head once more falling back against the unyielding brick.

Severus Snape master of nothing; that seemed more in keeping now. He had been so sure, so blindingly sure that he had control over everything, when in fact the only thing that had been sure was he'd been over-confident and failed. Yet again. When she had needed him... but it told him more that she had gone to such lengths. It told him that she didn't fully trust anything or anyone, least of all him. She had felt boxed in, cornered, and in her youth and ignorance, she had turned to a decision she would have to live with for the rest of her life. Every day she lived, every day she breathed, she would be reminded of what she had done. It would remain to be seen if she could indeed stand to live like that.

His fist unclenched as he straightened from the wall.

He had failed her once, and he would live with that for the rest of his life, but he wouldn't fail her again. He would be there for her, no matter what. No matter what the cost to him, he would be there.

A movement from his left brought him whipping round sharply, his hand clenching on his wand inside his sleeve.

"Severus?" Meg came out of the side door of the hospital, her arms wrapped around her as she peered into the gloom.

He stepped forward into the light falling from the lights inside.

"Here," he said softly. "What's happened?" His voice was perfectly controlled, as was his face. Nothing showed of the internal panic that was racing through him.