Fear

Smoke

(Imagine them living in a house like this but prettier. Idk If they're common in other countries but in Germany we have a lot of them It's basically 1 house shared into 2 houses. I just want yall to get the concept and what I mean what the roof looks like)

Ding Dong:
„smoking isn't good for you I hope you know that"Julian looked at me and read the back of my cigarette box which just listed all the shit you can get from smoking.
„yeah" I threw the cigarette in front of me and stepped on it to make sure it wouldn't burn the roof.
„Remember the first time we sat here" Julian smiled at me and I smiled back just because I was really happy to have a Friend like Julian.
„Of course. I remember seeing you when we moved in and I immediately got happy because you seemed the same age as me and I've never really had Friends before so I saw the opportunity and took it"
„Well You still don't have any Friends"I fake laughed and looked at Julian who gut up to sit/lay next to me.Julian pulled me closer by my waist so I rested my head on his shoulder.
„I sat here already at night before you
moved in but being up here with someone else is just way better.God I still remember that I just went up to your window their and You were terrified but you eventually came out here and we had a great time."I closed my Eyes and as weird as this seems, We're just Friends.
„We had a great time and we still do" Julian just responded a quick yeah until he backed away from me.
„You wanna go inside It's actually very cold" I nodded and already Was disappointed, I guess this was one of the nights were we just hung out for an hour.
I went up to my window but Julian stopped me.
„It's Friday you can come over and watch a movie if you want"
„Sounds good" We both climbed into his room through his window and I just straight up sat down on his bed. Julian eventually just turned on Breaking Bad because there was no good movie on Netflix. I sat next to Julian with my head on his shoulder but after some time I took my head off his shoulder just because I suddenly got worried about what Julian thought. I've never cared about cuddling with Julian before but now even putting my head o his shoulder makes me question 1st of all:my sexuality and 2nd of all: That Julian think I like him because I keep doing things like this.
„you know that I love you right?"
My heart started beating faster and I'm so confused. what is happening and why are we suddenly kissing.
„Hey Ding Dong" I ripped open my Eyes and looked at Julian with a really confused look. It was a dream...I felt embarrassed even though Julian didn't know what happened.
„You don't seem okay" Julian gave me a worried look and all I wanted to do is escape this situation.
„I'm good it's just" I couldn't think of anything so I just got up.
Julian got up too and hugged me.
„You know that you can talk to me about anything right?"I just stood there and blankly starred at the wall.
„you know that I love you right?"The words from my Dream ran through my head and suddenly everything felt like it was collapsing. I don't know what was happening but my breath got heavy and I felt sick. As much as I hated it I pushed Julian away and climbed through his window on to the roof. I looked at his window waiting a few seconds to see if he'll come outside, but he didn't, he just stayed inside probably asking himself what just happened. I sat down on the roof and smoked a cigarette hoping it would relief all the stress which It didn't.
The fact that I was being so ignorant to Julian made me feel so bad yet I couldn't get myself to go back and apologise. At 2am I decided to go inside and go to bed. It took me a really long time until I fell asleep and once I did It only took me a few hours until I woke up way too early in the morning.
When I went downstairs I saw my mum in the kitchen with julian's mum.
„Oh hello.It's rare to see you up this early." I ignored what my mum just said and went to the fridge to get a bottle of water. When I went back to my room I looked at my window and I felt worse and worse about last night. Julian probably thinks he did something to upset me which he didn't so he's probably feeling the worst out of both of us. I decided to go over to his room since both of our windows were always open so If anything ever happened we could just go over to each other's rooms. He was still asleep but It didn't stop me from apologising.
„Juuulian" He opened his Eyes and starred right at me.
„Uh hey" I sat down on his bed while he sat up as well.
„Sorry for being stupid last night I just got a lot of shit on my mind right now and I don't really know how to handle any of this" Because I tried to stop thinking that being so close to Julian is weird I just carried on with what we've been doing for like 9 years so I put my head on his shoulder and just closed my Eyes. Why does all of a sudden after all these years it feel weird to be this close to Julian.
„I've noticed but It's fine don't worry about it" He leaned his head against mine and I honestly felt so good about it yet my mind told me this is wrong and my heart was starting to beat faster than usual and overall my whole body felt like collapsing. I couldn't control my body anymore and I started crying and couldn't breathe.
„please don't cry Ding Dong" Julian hugged me and I just cried into his shoulder hoping this feeling will just pass.
„I don't know what's wrong with me or what I'm feeling right now... I just feel so terrible." Even though these Feelings are about Julian I trust him with this.
„I'm sorry just know that I'm always here for you"He hugged me and I just wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could.
„Thank you Julian" I eventually fell asleep and all I can remember is dreaming about me and Julian sitting on the roof like we always do but we were kissing and god I was happy.
After 9 Years of being Friends with Julian I think I was falling in Love with him.
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wow this is actual garbage but here we have it.I think I'm just getting worse and worse at writing but whatever.
And there are probably a lot of typos in this but I'm not even trying to hide the fact that I'm too lazy to fix that so deal with it