Fear

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Ding Dong:
I couldn't sleep almost the entire night. I only slept for two or three hours and then I laid in Julian's bed the whole night starring at his ceiling and I don't know how but I managed to silently cry to myself almost the whole night until Julian woke up. He looked at me and I honestly just wanted him to hug me.
„I hope you know that you can tell me whatever you're thinking" No, I can't. He wouldn't understand because I don't understand myself. Out of frustration of not knowing if I should just tell him that he wouldn't understand or just hugging him and crying into his chest I got up and left which was probably the dumbest Idea because I already regretted it the second I got up. I laid down in my bed and just stayed there until I fell asleep a few hours later.
„why don't you love me Ding Dong" Julian stood only a few cm away from me and had his hands on each sides of my face.
„I do" I smiled at him but he backed away.
„Why don't you just tell me or show me?" He gave me a questioning look and stepped further away.
„I already told you that and I kissed you"I got closer agin until we were only a metre away from each other.
„Why don't you wanna be with me if you love me??" Slowly I was getting overwhelmed by these Questions but I just got everything together to not break down.
„I wanna be with you It's just I don't want you having to put up with me because you deserve better and I'm so scared of getting hurt" My breath got heavy and I was seeking physical contact.
„Why don't you understand hat I love you and I would do anything to be with you. You're just making this worse by acting so weird and not being honest with me" He walked away further but I ran after him until I feel down and just laid there and cried while screaming his name.
I sat up probably too fast after that dream so I got really dizzy. If that last thing Julian said to me in my dream was actually true I'm going to fucking scream. It's just he's sad and probably so confused at what even is happening in both of our lives right now so he's just saying he loves me out of frustration and Confusion or I don't fucking know.
I needed to be with him so bad right now so I just went over to his room where he was still in his bed laying with his back towards the window so I just went in and laid down behind him so I could wrap my arms around him which probably terrified him because he woke up and just said ‚fuck' really loud but he calmed right back down when he realised what was going on.
„Julian?" He slowly turned around so he could look at me.
„do you actually love me?" Julian just looked at me probably thinking about how he's going to tell me that he doesn't.
„ I love you Ding Dong even if you don't wanna accept it or even believe it" He took my hand in his and I tried my absolute hardest not to smile.
„I love you too and I hope you still wanna be with me after all this shit I pulled off" I hid my face in his chest while preparing myself to get rejected.
„I do Ding Dong" So I guess me and Julian are dating now or what the fuck just happened.
„Have you ever been with a boy before Ding Dong" Julian rested his head on mine while I still pressed my face against his chest but I had to back away because he just asked me a question and it would be rude not to answer.
„No I uh- I've never been in a Relationship even though I'm almost 18" Julian smiled at me and after a few seconds his smile got even wider.
„Was I your first kiss"
„actually uh yea" He started laughing and just wrapped his arms around me.
„Thank you for boosting my self esteem by laughing at me I love you too" He stopped laughing and was now just smiled at me because he knew I was not actually mad at him. Julian knows me too well.
„Hey uh we already skipped school today so are you going tomorrow?"
„I don't think so" I rolled over to lay down on my back.
„ I'll probably go but you don't have to It's fine" Julian kissed my cheek and laid down on his side so he could wrap his arms around me. I looked at my phone to see that it was already 10pm so I guess it was okay for me to go asleep since I was really tired but I've been constantly tired for a few days.
„Dingus?" With all the strength I had left because I was half asleep I turned around to face Julian.
„yes" I closed my Eyes and cuddled up as close as I possibly could to Julian's chest.
„I love you"
„I love you too like a whole fucking lot" Jules probably couldn't even understand me because I was mumbling but it didn't matter.