Fear

fear to feel

Ding Dong;
I don't want these tears,The fear to feel
Can we make this real, The fear to feel
I don't want these tears,The fear to feel
Hurt me make me heal,The fear to feel
I was listening to music but it didn't make it better it just made everything even worse especially because I was listening to Alvarez Kings.
My arm stopped bleeding after a while so I went to the bathroom and just washed off the dried blood. There were cuts everywhere and a really bad red spot where I burned myself. When I went back to my room I just put on a Sweater over my shirt and went outside on the roof to smoke. I was so annoyed that Julian saw me like that I'm so glad I didn't cry when he came in because It would've just been even more embarrassed and I'm honestly so glad he left but I was also kinda sad he did. I mean i could've died which I was hoping but I also told him two times I want him to leave and he probably didn't want me to get mad at him and he was probably already awkward being around me because my dumb ass thought it was a good idea to kiss him.
I sat on the roof for about an hour until Julian opened his window and starred at me. His Eyes were red and his hair was messy which wasn't normal for him.
„Are you okay?" He got out his window and I already wanted to leave.
„Of course" I lit another cigarette and smiled at him. Julian sat down in front
Of me and put his both of his hands on my knees which were up to my chest.
„So much just happened in such a short time and we need to talk about this."
„Well then tell me what the hell just happened and what will happen now" I sounded so rude and it made me feel terrible because I know how sensitive Julian is and I knew he was already really sad.
„Ding Dong...I-...I don't know...I just, Fuck. That kiss. I didn't know how to react okay?? I didn't mean to hurt you because fucking hell I like you I don't know If It's love but I regret so much not kissing you back alright?! And you're cutting open your fucking wrist is not gonna make this any better okay. You're just making this worse" He was yelling through his sobs and I just looked at him having no Idea what to do or what even to say. After all I didn't have to say anything since Julian suddenly kissed me so I just went with it and put my hand behind his neck. My whole body felt so heavy yet so light and I didn't know how to act after Julian pulled away. I pulled him back on to my chest to hug him.
„I love you" Hearing these words from Julian and him directing them at me made my heart stop and my whole body feel like collapsing.
„I love you too" I pulled him even closer even tho at this point it was almost impossible.
Now that he knows I actually love him and I know that he loves me he can hurt me even more.
I started crying into Julian's shoulder and I just wanted to disappear or at least go back in time before I ruined all of this by falling in Love with him.
We eventually both went to Julian's room and I straight up sat down on his bed hugging my knees and resting my head on them while still crying my Eyes out. Julian just sat next to me and hugged me from the side because at this point he was probably really annoyed with me crying for an hour straight.
„Why are you crying Dingus everything's alright" He rested his head on my shoulder because while he said that I lifted my head from knees to take deep breaths to actually try and stop crying.
„nothing's alright okay. You don't love me okay? And to be honest I don't even want you to because I don't wanna love you as well. I want us to be the best Friends that we were just a few hours ago before I ruined all of this by thinking it was an amazing Idea to kiss you. When I imagine us dating I could fucking punch myself because in my head it seems like such a great Idea. You're the only one who knows me and understands me but I have so much fucking shit going that you already had to put up with these past years so I don't want us to be together because I don't want you to deal with my bullshit. You deserve someone amazing who's capable to give you all the love you deserve someone who is the opposite of the train wreck I am" I just wanted to run out and jump off the roof because with every word I just got more and more mad at myself.
„Ian. I told you I love because I actually do alright. I want to make you happy and I wanna be there for you because I actually fucking care about you. Also don't you dare tell me I deserve someone better because you're amazing and I want to be with you alright? Ian I fucking love you." Him using my actual name made me uncomfortable.Without saying anything in response I just hugged him and laid down with him still in my arms.
„Ding Dong what would make you happier If both us ignored these Feelings and we'll just carry on as Friends or do you actually wanna be with me because I sure as hell do" Me and Julian were both laying on our side just looking at each other now and I was so overwhelmed by this question that I started crying again.
„I don't know" My words were just sobs and I felt so stupid for not being able to answer a fucking question without breaking down.
„You don't have to tell me now. If you need time to think about this It's totally fine" He pulled me closer into his arms and he just held me while I was crying until I eventually fell asleep because it was already like 2am.
___________
Okay so like about Ding Dong's real name...I don't know alright. When they had that OneyPlays Stream Julian said Richard but also in an OneyPlays Episode Chris calls him Ian. I'm not sure which one is real or if any of the names people have thought Ding Dong's real name is are true but whatever. (People also thought his name was Mason, Nelson and Donovan as far as I know but probably like 500more names that aren't true)