Fear

Nightmares

Ding Dong:
Me and Julian sat on the roof like we always do but something was different he held my hand and suddenly we started making out. Julian looked at me and smiled.
„You know that I love you right?" He kissed me once more.
That's when I woke up. I looked around to see I was still in Julian's room  laying in his bed so nothing weird.
„Well Good Morning It's 1pm. you woke me up at like 8am just so you could get me out of bed and then take it over? alright." I laughed and starred at Julian who was standing in front of his bed. He sat down next me and took out his phone.
„What's going on dingus? You told me you had some stuff on your mind and it seems to be bothering you so I'd be happy If you told me so I can help because I hate seeing you so sad" Julian looked over at me while putting down his phone.
„Julian...I just can't tell you I'm sorry"
„Ding Dong, whatever it is I'm here for you okay?" He smiled at me and I honestly felt so bad for not being able to tell him. I sat up and looked down at my hands.
„You wouldn't understand because I rarely understand it myself. I know you mean well Julian and I do trust you with everything but I gotta figure this one out myself until I'll some day be able to tell you" This wasn't probably the right Thing to say because he looked very worried. I basically crawled over to him and Let myself fall onto his chest to hug him.
„I'll be fine Julian. I just need to think some Things through"
„I'm sorry Ding Dong. I just don't want you to be sad you know"  After I told him I was fine we went on the roof since it was really nice weather outside.
It took me 5Minutes to sit there until I had to go inside to get 2Things. Of course a pack of Cigarettes and a bottle Whiskey because it was all I had left in my room.
„you fancy huh" Julian pointed at the Whiskey Bottle and laughed.
„Yeah so fancy that we don't even have glasses so we gotta drink outta the bottle my friend." I sat down in front of him and put the bottle next to me so I could light a cigarette.
„I remember when you started smoking I was so mad at you, we were 16 and I thought you were trying to fit in with the cool kids so you didn't have to hang out with me anymore." He smiled at me and took the whiskey bottle.
„Well the smoking didn't help I'm still stuck with you" I smiled back at him and I was just fascinated by how cute he looked.
„Well Cheers onto you not having cancer ...and hopefully will never have"
He held the bottle up and I held my Cigarette up and no matter what a good Friend any other person has I have the best I know it sounds really cliche and cringey but who even cares.
Sadly he isn't more than just a Friend.
He's and amazing Friend, He would be an amazing boyfriend he would give me all the Love I need and he knows me so well and we trust each other so much. We were made for each other and if we dated someone else they would just tear us apart.
„DINGUS" Julian was shaking me back to reality by my shoulders.
„You almost burned down the roof mr"
I looked at my cigarette which was still lit and in my hand.
„I'm sorry I'm zoning out. It's just...I'm thinking about he Things It's like impossible not to think about that."
He handed me the Whiskey bottle so I took a sip. With a sip I mean I drank about 20% of the bottle in one go.
„Is it that bad" He took back to bottle which made him touch my hand, just like in the dream where he held my hand and kissed me.
„Julian?"
„yes?"
„What are you afraid of?" He gave me a questioning look for the random question.
„Elevators because I'm claustrophobic and spiders-"
„No, what are you really
afraid of Julian" He starred at me for a bit until he took another sip of the whiskey and then started talking again.
„I'm scared of people being better than me. If I'm good at something and I meet someone who's better than me in this thing than I feel completely useless and other Things like that but what I'm probably the most terrified of is losing you. You mean so much to me and I don't even wanna think about my Life without you. You make me so happy and you honestly give me a Reason to live Ding Dong." I starred him because I could've never imagined someone saying such incredible Things about me. Whatever it was, If It was just my Heart freaking out or the alcohol or If it was both I made the biggest mistake in my entire Life. I just leaned forward and kissed him but he pulled away and looked at me with his hand on his lips and wide Eyes. We both couldn't move or do anything until I started crying and grabbed the bottle and my cigarettes really fast to go to my room. For the first time in all these years that I was Friends with Julian, I actually locked the window so Julian couldn't just come inside. I broke down on the floor crying realising how badly I fucked up.
„You know that I love you, right?" The words from these god awful Dreams which are actual Nightmares haunt me and It just made everything worse.
„YOU DON'T YOU FUCKING DON'T" I yelled as loud as I could I'm so glad my parents both had work from sometime today until tomorrow morning so no one was in this house who could hear me.
•
Julian;
I starred at where Ding Dong just sat still with my hand on my lips. Why would he do that what is happening. We're both kinda tipsy but definitely not that drunk that we couldn't control what we were doing. My thoughts got interrupted by hearing Ding Dong yell really loudly from his room.
„YOU DON'T YOU FUCKING DON'T" I don't know what he means but I was so worried about him. The more I think about the kiss the more I actually wish I didn't pull away. The kiss wasn't bad and I did feel something but I'm not sure about it. I know that there has been slowly developing something between me and Ding Dong over the last couple of months but I didn't think it would come this far that he would kiss me which probably also means he likes me more than just a Friend which
Is weird to think about but If he just saw me as his Friend he wouldn't have gone so far. Me and him will figure something out he's probably just dtill overthinking because like he told me he has a lit of stuff on his mind right now. He probably just couldn't think clearly anymore and even if it wasn't a lot in the mix with the alcohol it was just a bad thing he really couldn't control. Ding Dong would never love me.
„NO NO NOOO" My thoughts were once more cut off by Ding Dong yelling.
I decided to check on him because I was getting even more worried now. And of course for the one time that I need to be with Ding Dong he actually locked his window. I knocked on his window but when I looked inside I felt my whole body starting to shake and my Legs just gave in and I fell down. He sat there on the floor, razors next to him which were covered in blood just like his arm. There was so much blood dripping down but he held it up so he could hold it into the big flame of his lighter. After a few seconds if trying to get up I rushed into my room and ran outside my house. I went over to Ding Dong's house and took their hidden house key the had which was in the garden to lock the front door. The tears in my Eyes made everything blurry so I could rarely see anything when I entered Ding Dong's room which is probably a good thing because i was really bad with looking at blood it made me feel really sick. I ran over to him and sat down in front of him as fast as possible. He still had the lighter where it was when I first looked into his window so I immediately took that.
„DING DONG"He just kept starring at the floor not answering me.I took of my sweater since I was wearing a shirt underneath so I could wrap it around his arm so it would stop bleeding.
„Ding Dong why" I held his arm in my hand with my sweater around it and hugged him while sobbing into his shoulder.
„Please leave" He backed away from our hug and took my sweater of his arm which was soaked in blood. His face was completely blank I couldn't make a single emotion out of that.
„I can't leave you like-"
„Yes you fucking can please go Julian" As much as I wanted to be there for him I knew I've hurt him and it probably won't make anything better to stay here right now and mane Ding Dong even more mad at me. I got up and unlocked his window and climbed out his room. The mess I was right now sat down on the roof and It's safe to say I've never cried this hard and this much because  I'm usually a really happy person and it takes a lot of shit to bring me down but this really messed me up.
„I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" I couldn't stob sobbing into my. Hands which were covering my face.
I should've just kissed him back It's not like It wasn't a bad kiss and I do have Feelings for him It's just I don't know if I actually love him. This will probably forever haunt me and make me feel bad. Great.