The voice

Why couldn't I just hate him?

May 2016

Well, I didn't need to tell her anything. She just knew that something was wrong. I mean, she's a mum...

And she was far from pleased.

But still my class went on a trip to Bremerhaven together, a quite big city in the north of Germany with a lot of museums and tourism. I was really excited if only because of the fact that I would be able to spend three days together with him.

On the morning of departure my best friend Hannah and I took our seats and prepared ourselves for the bus ride. I checked my phone and received a message from my mum saying that I should keep away from him. That I should be careful. A boy of this faith wouldn't deserve me and my dad would go wild if he knew about me and him.

Near to tears I showed Hannah the text message. I was so upset that I didn't even recognize the bus driver starting the engine. Blurred I saw my mum so I waved to her, blew her a kiss and sank into my seat.

The next three days were a mixture of various emotions.

We laughed together and the glances we gave each other explained everything. But no one spoke it out loud.

At one time I sat next to him on his bed. We were just hanging around with some other classmates and I secretly glanced at his phone. And his wallpaper was a girl. She had dark brown hair and brown eyes. Hands-down, she was beautiful. A twinge of jealousy spread in my heart and I had to avert my eyes.

This night I took a long shower. I couldn't stop the tears streaming down my face. The hot water pattered on my body. I scrubbed my body so hard in the hope that I could wash off my feelings. Why couldn't I just hate him?

I always knew that a lot of girls thought he was hot. And I mean, they were right. But, damn it, I was so jealous.

And added to this his actions were so irritating. One time he could look at me like I was his whole world but in the next second he could turn around and act like he wouldn't even know me.

I wanted to shout at him: "What the hell do you want from me?" But I didn't want to ruin our quite close relationship. And I was too afraid of what he would say.

During our return I thought about everything that happened in the recent days. I couldn't describe my feelings 'cause they were all over the place. I started to think about what my mum said to me. And yeah, for a moment deep deep inside, I almost believed she was right.

But at the same time I opened the photo me and him had taken on the first day of the trip.

And immediately threw all of my cautions to the wind.

The voice of my mum fixed inside my head reminding of all the things she said