identity on hold

viii. nigger-baby

You ain't never said 'nigga' in your life, Boo?

Mama never sugar-coated it. Said Devon left because he was selfish. Because he only thought about himself and didn't care about us. Said he was irresponsible.

I met my Aunt Joanna once before we moved from Texas to Colorado, although I didn't remember it back then. There's a picture of us together, her holding me on my first birthday. Just me, my mom, and Joanna posed as happy as can be for a Polaroid.

I'm guessing my mom told Joanna the same story she told me when I was five. It's not like she held back with me, why would she with her sister?

Six years after that picture was taken, I saw my aunt for the first time in years. She barely touched me. I was grown-up for seven years old; I read her apprehension as, "Francesca, she does not want to be around you".

My Hello Kitty watch read 1:37 a.m., way too late for me to be awake. I crept into the hallway to hear my Aunt's voice, angry.

"You're just now telling me Devon left you? Really, Lena? Two fucking years?"

"Joanna... I couldn't ask you for help back then and now I don't need any. We're doing fine."

"He gave you that nigger-baby and left you, Lena. Doesn't sound fine to me."

I thought my mom would say something, be mad. I thought she'd be outraged, really. Or at least sad. I thought she'd defend me.

"You don't have to say that, Joanna."

We started speaking Spanish around the house a lot after that. For months, I just thought about how my mom didn't say a damn thing to defend me that night. I thought she'd act like Ashley, be really upset, tell my Aunt that it was bad to say that about black people. She didn't.

When I asked why I was speaking Spanish at home and English at school, Mama just kissed me on the forehead and gave me candy, saying, "It will help you. You'll be smarter. You'll speak both languages. Such a smart girl. Niña. Girl."

"Niña," I repeated.

Soon enough, we were both speaking Spanish throughout the years. Then I spoke Spanish while she spoke English. Then we switched, and left it at that. It seemed to soothe her enough.