For Flowers Will Bloom

~Bleed me dry~

The day of the wedding, my mother took me to the temple early in the morning to pray for a blissful marriage. I was very reluctant to go but I simply had no choice. I watched her as she lit all the candles in the room and spread a new mat on the floor to start her prayers.

"What are you staring at?...kneel down, this is your wedding not mine", she said as she rolled her eyes.

I couldn't help but giggle, "ah sorry".

I quickly knelt and followed what my mother was doing. To be honest I wasn't very religious. I never went to the temples or followed the rules. I just didn't feel it, I always knew there was something more out there than our mere beliefs but I never dared to tell my mother this. It is the worst thing a person could do in our community especially for a girl. Denouncing the Gods and living without religion was like you stabbed your whole family in the heart. There was once one person who did this, we never heard from him ever again. Nobody knows what happened to him, NOT even his family.

I always lied that I visited the temple with Jakim and he would back me up but never understood why I don't go to the temple. I was so thankful that he never asked because I didn't want to poison him.

"Lianna are you here?", I snapped back to reality as soon as I heard my mother's voice.

"Yes I was uh praying silently", I said absentmindedly.

"Let's go, it's almost time", she said as she blew out the candles.

I took the mat and followed her outside. I was surprised at how calm I was about this all marriage situation. You'd think that out of all days, today would be the day when I'd lose it. It was quite the contrary actually. I was tired of constantly fighting my parents over this. I came to a realization; What made me so special? All the other girls went through this in fact most were more than thrilled to get suitors. The female population in our country was alarming there go many remained unmarried. Therefore 'I should consider myself lucky and not take this opportunity for granted', my mother's words.

Her words gave me comfort although I still had many doubts. What if he's abusive? Or plans to wed other women? Or I never love him and remain unhappy forever? Who wouldn't have these thoughts? It's like tossing yourself in the vast ocean when you know you can't swim.

...............

The sari I wore was colorful yet not too colorful. My arms were all painted with dark henna that made sharp flower patters which matched my Sari. My mother asked our neighbor, Hazifah to do my make-up. She was recently married herself and moved to our little village for their new start. She was quite skilled and this is why her husband opened up a make-up shop for her so she can put her skills into good use.

When I looked into the mirror I couldn't recognize myself. My lashes were so long and my lips suddenly looked plump. My eyes were so gorgeous, it was like they were plucked out of Aishawarya Rai's socket. Simply put, I looked beautiful.

His family chose the Rajisham hall for the occasion. It was the biggest hall in our village and many marriages took place there. The hall was colored with flowers of different kinds and the lights were like stars in the night sky. I have never really seen anything like it, it was breath taking. I was even excited for a second there and then I snapped back to reality, 'oh this is happening.'

While I was in the bridal room, Jakim sneaked in like he always did when he wanted to see me.

"Lianna, I need to talk to you in private for a moment", said Jakim while doing this thing he always did when he was nervous. He was mumbling to himself and had this worn out feeling about him. I was worried.

"Yeah sure...but let's make it quick, my mom will start getting worried", I said as I followed him outside the hall.

"I don't know how to say this. Okay uh, I know it's not fair to do this to you on your wedding day but I needed to tell you. Today is my last chance", he explained without quite meeting my eyes.

"What is it? You can tell me anything you know", I inquired even though deep inside I already knew what he wanted to say.

"Alright. I love you Lianna. I always have actually, I just never found the right moment to tell you. I know this sucks but I needed to say this before...well you know" he said earnestly and I realized that this has been eating him up for a while now.

He told me how hard he worked and why he did. He wanted to make something out of himself first before he can pursue his feelings because my parents would never approve him unless he had a stable future. While he said this, I couldn't help but cry because I think a part of me would much rather end up with Jakim. He knew me so well and he was sincere about his feelings. It broke my heart that this new chapter in my life would mean no more Jakim. The 12 years that we've shared now feel like dust. All the emotions that I kept inside were rushing out like a stream of running water and I couldn't get a hold of myself.

"Please don't cry, you're only making me feel worse." He said soothingly as he wrapped his arms around me.

"It's just a lot Jakim. I'm overwhelmed by everything that's going on and on top of that I didn't know what you were going through and I'm your best friend. I was only thinking about myself and I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault and I'm not here to ask you to run away with me because I know I can't provide for you. I just want you to know that you have my heart no matter who you end up with. Also, I wish you happiness." He said with a smile that melted all my worries.

"Thank you Jakim." I said softly, tightening our hug.

"One last thing, you look beautiful today. However, If you keep crying you'll look like those apes that broke out of the zoo", he teased and I couldn't help but laugh. I could always count on him to cheer me up.

"What is this?", I heard my mother's sharp voice and with this I quickly broke free from Jakim's embrace.

"It's not what you think", I said feeling a little embarrassed.

"I'm sure. Anyway you're going to be late and what happened to your face?" She said, completely ignoring Jakim who was keeping a safe distance from me.

"It's nothing." I shrugged.

"I'm sure. Let's go, it's about to start", she grabbed my hand and gave Jakim a warning look.

"Bye Lianna. Take care", His words and even his eyes indicated that this was farewell and that's when it hit me. He wasn't here just to confess, but rather to say goodbye.