Aftermath

4

"For an Erudite, I'm surprised you can run like this." Jenna says, smiling. I roll my eyes and resist the urge to wheeze.
"Says an Erudite." I mutter.
My chest is burning and my legs feel like they're about to give up on me.
I thought that my bullet wound was healed, but it seems not, as it is currently aching. Again.
"Do you need an inhaler?" Jenna asks, and I'm not sure if she's joking or not.
I shake my head.
"I'm just out of shape and sore, that's all. I will be fine if I get some water." I say, standing up. My instincts brought me to lean over with my hands on my knees, though the reality is that that would not actually help. I run a hand through my hair and let out a quick breath.
"It's freezing. I forgot that it was nearly winter." I comment softly.
She shrugs. "I'm not affected by cold. Not to mention I've been running around all day. You seem to be sweating too." she looks over at me.
"There's a breeze now that I'm still. It's only making me colder. Now, how much farther until we reach the destination?" I ask. I stare forward- we seem to be in the South Side. South of Dauntless, more likely to the west of Erudite.
I briefly feel a tug inside me- I miss my home. I didn't think I would, I always just saw it as an escape from work and not somewhere I would find myself sentimentally attached to.
"Not far. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by who we see." she says. I furrow my brow.
Logic. Think. Clearly, this is not the factionless people, as they were the reason that I was in prison in the first place. Abnegation no doubt will forever hold a grudge against me. There isn't a chance it's Prior and her friends, either. That leaves Candor and Amity. And...
"The people who worked for me." I say aloud, completing my own train of thought.
"I knew you'd figure it out. Yes. They obviously won't be carrying on your plan to destroy the Divergents, seeming as the fire behind that plan is both gone and the whole logic behind it has been ruined. But they are on the same side as Johanna, who wants to keep the factions." she says.
I do find it rather satisfying that she is so mature for her age. Spoken like a true Erudite.
"Does Johanna know about this escape mission?" I ask.
I picture the Amity woman in my mind.
She always brought peace to my own mind whenever I found her in my presence. She did manage to give me a chance before all of the revolutionary conflict that came to be. We don't agree on how things should be done, but I do know that she will give me a chance if I agree to stay conflict free.
"She does. She'd like to see you, actually. She heard how Evelyn treated you." Jenna explains.
I wonder how that meeting will go.
The walk continues in silence. The dull throbbing in my leg has begun to ache.
I won't wince aloud, however. I'll find ice and treat the pain myself once I've settled myself down in this new safe place.   
We arrive at a dark grey building that looks to be in desperate need of a pressure wash.
Jenna knocks on the door in a rhythm that no doubt indicates that she hasn't been compromised.
The door opens and I'm shoved in.
I do wish she hadn't grabbed me right where I'm bruised on my upper arm.
I feel my face go oddly hot as I see numerous people staring at me.
I've had people staring at me before. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much right now.
"Success, as you can see. She's been acting like a bird hitting a glass window all day, don't try and engage in meaningful conversation."
With that, Jenna sashays off to go converse with someone her age.
I'm still lost on what exactly I'm supposed to do.
My question is answered when I feel a hand on my shoulder.
I turn around, and in front of me stands Nancy Williams. Not only is she my former assistant, but she is one of the people I would even call a friend.
"Well, don't you look like hell." She says with a smile.
I don't find myself smiling back. It just feels wrong to smile right now. I don't know what's wrong.
I find myself wanting to cry, suddenly.
I think that the perfect storm has finally come.
She frowns. "Come on. I'll show you where you'll be able to stay."
I follow her forward, still biting the inside of my lip so my lip doesn't tremble like it's threatening to.
My eyes are getting wet with every minute that passes.
There's an room on the second floor that is people free, and seems to be a bedroom.
There are a few makeshift beds, and a space heater against the wall. No doubt stolen from Erudite.
"Now, you've had a long day and you look exhausted. There will be some kind of dinner soon, I'll come get you for it. Lie down and relax." Nancy says, not even mentioning the now present emotions that I cannot be hiding very well.
She gives me another small smile. "See you soon."
With that, she's left the room.
I make my way to what seems to be an empty bed in the corner. There are no personal belongings surrounding it, so I decide that this will be an appropriate place for me to stay.
I slowly sit down, wincing at the cramping in my legs from the excess lactic acid.
I push myself into the corner, and lean back against the cold drywall.
And in that moment, something in me just crumbles away, even if it will be rebuilt in no time by my determination to remain emotionless.
For once, I don't try and stop the tears from falling. I let my vision blur to a point where I can't see anything.
I release my lip, and let it tremble.
I bury my face in my hands, and let it hurt.
My best friend is dead.
My life fell apart.
I'm alive, but I'm more physically miserable than I have ever been from what I can recall.
Just for this once, my pride falls away and I let myself hurt.
I need this for once. The more I let it build up, the worse it'll be once it comes out.
So I cry, alone, yes, but I do.
Just for now, I'll let myself feel.

I'm glad I calmed down before I fell asleep. If I hadn't, my emotional slip up would be evident.
"I'm glad you got rest. Dinner is ready, someone made a bulk amount of pasta." Nancy says, holding out a hand so I can pull myself up.
"Sounds better than prison food." I mutter.
I sit up, and then allow Nancy to pull me to my feet.
"You look a little better. Less tired."
I shrug. "I suppose."
I still don't feel well. I worry that there's possibly a chance of me throwing up.
I won't eat too quickly at dinner just in case.
We walk downstairs, and everyone's eyes are on me immediately.
"I assure you, nothing about me is this captivating." I say, and the stares scatter.
Jenna makes her way to my side. "Hi. Enjoy your nap?" she asks.
I nod. "Mmhm. Much needed."
I hate being surrounded by this many people, being forced to interact with this size of a crowd.
It makes me uncomfortable.
"I got you food. Felt like being nice since I sorta deserted you earlier." She says, taking my arm and dragging me into the other room.
I don't even have control over where I decide to walk.
What's next, deciding how I should dress? Though, that wouldn't surprise me- I don't doubt that there will be some kind of uniform for the face of the revolution.
"You're a saint." I say sarcastically, and she narrows her eyes at me. "No sarcasm, Matthews, or I'll eat the pasta in front of you."
I stare at her. "You're half my size and nearly a third of my age." I say, and she smiles.
"I can still take in a lot of pasta."
I roll my eyes.
I hold my breath when someone pushes past me and presses into my bruised arm. I won't wince out loud.
"How sore are you?" Jenna asks. I shrug. "She's like an old lady now. Old and battered." Nancy says with a slight smile. I give a half smile, or close enough to one.
"I could barely get up. Nancy had to pull me." I say, and Jenna laughs. "Sorry to totally laugh at your pain here, it's just kind of funny. This whole faction is definitely not exercise oriented."
I don't answer. I'm really bad at small talk, and I feel awkward as it is. Jenna barely notices- she runs off anyway to join a friend.
Nancy wraps an arm around me. For once, I don't protest. I think I need this.
"I missed you." Nancy whispers. I sigh. "Missed you too, Nance."
She smiles a little, I see it out of the corner of my eye.
Dinner is a blur of conversation and a lot of carbohydrate consumption.
I end up next to Nancy in the corner of the couch. She's the only person I will allow to be this close to me.
Most of the younger children have gone to bed, it's just the adults now.
I find the atmosphere here to be most pleasant.
I look up when I hear my name.
"So, how did Evelyn treat you, Jeanine?"
I hum softly. "Where do I begin? She sent a man to beat me up because I talked back to her. That was a week ago. She constantly taunted me. Oh, and she murdered my best friend." I say, my voice going cold at the end of my sentence. Everyone goes silent. "What?" the same woman asks. I feel myself getting overwhelmed with either anger or sadness. "She killed Ben Harrows." I say. Nancy puts a hand on my back and rubs up and down to try and soothe me.
"Jeanine, I'm so sorry."
I could scream right now. I could hit someone and storm out of the room.
But I don't. I'm not like that. I am a well conducted woman, and reacting to my anger physically is not something I indulge in.
I let go of the fists I made with my hands and exhale. "It's fine. She won't get to continue her reign of terror forever." I say. I avoid the outburst that was building up.
I lean back on Nancy's hand.
Everyone stares at me, preparing to see me lose it. But I don't lose it.
"I'm okay. You don't need to stare."
Nancy pulls me close. I consider pulling away, but she is the only calm in my emotional storm.
"Do we have a plan?" I ask.
Nicholas looks up. "We'll speak to Johanna tomorrow about it." he says. I nod.
I let everyone else quietly converse. I don't fall asleep, instead I stare at the floor, and occasionally glance around the room.
Nancy absentmindedly runs a hand through my hair. It doesn't bother me in the slightest, I'm too tired to push her away.
"It's almost midnight. I'm going to go to bed soon." Nancy says, bringing me out of my trance.
I shift and look over at her.
"I'll join you." I say, and she pulls me close against her again.
Nancy and Ben are the only people who I allow to bring me so close.
Ben is gone. Nancy is the only one I will ever allow to hold me in such a manner.
Before long, I follow my former assistant upstairs to the same room where human nature broke me down.
My spot in the corner proves to be a good choice. Nancy isn't far away.
I stare at the ceiling for a long time before I can relax enough to let myself fall asleep.
I find that oddly enough, having someone familiar near me eases me into a dreamless sleep.
For the first time in days, I don't wake up in a panic from an awful nightmare.
My aches are eased as I fall asleep easily.
-
I hope you enjoyed me giving Jeanine some humanity. If you have ideas or thoughts on this story please comment! Much appreciated ❤️