Draining. Happiness felt exhaustingly draining. Feeling numb a lot of the time meant that if i felt anything other than that it was actually different and significantly otherworldly. However when it gets to the point that you feel numb all of the time it causes you to seem zombie-like with everyone in your life having to ask you if you are okay, truthfully, i don't know if I'm okay, but maybe thats because i don't talk about it.
My therapist said i needed to start writing it all down. The problem with me is that if i don't write things down i can't remember them later on, I'm too quick to repress things so if someone asks me of an example of something my mother has done to me particularly i can't ever remember it on the spot. But i know she's not healthy to my life. Don't get me wrong, my life could be monumentally worse, I've never really been physically abused and I've grown up with quite a privileged life; I live on the nice side of town, i have most things I've ever asked for, I'm not really restrained in my way of living. But it doesn't mean I'm happy. Money doesn't make a person happy.
At aged 17 my house has never felt like a home, we aren't the type of family who could ever have a laugh, if i tried to joke around i would be told off for being childish etc. Sure we went out as a family to amusement parks or to visit family but it was always such a pretence, we'd have to act as though we were a normal, fun-loving family and that notion disgusted me. Because we weren't and we never will be.
My sister, Hollie, is my favourite family member and we are really close, I'm usually the one having to defend her as my mum shouts at her for something that wasn't her fault or treats her like an idiot. She has been dealing with a condition that causes her to be very susceptible to internal infections, its something that we all just choose to ignore. That all of her organs could become infected.
My father is a workaholic, he leaves the house at 6 am every morning to get to work and usually gets home about7pm. He is very high up in his company but it means that he is put under an immense amount of stress. His stress is added to by the dramatic happening which is my mother.
She worked herself into illness after being in a business which i agree wasn't good for her. After she was diagnosed she went onto many different drugs and took two years out of work as she struggled to find employment that wasn't too harsh on her, this meant money was extremely tight and for some time we thought we would lose our house. She's now got a new job at the council and is obviously more happy than she used to be, but this doesn't stop the way she acts towards me.
My mother has always been the one who has pushed me to grow up too fast, at age 10 i started doing my own laundry, at aged 12 my mother would come home late from work which meant i had to look after my sister and cook dinner for myself and her until my mother returned from work. At aged 13 she urged me to get a paper round which only paid me $3.30 per week, i was also expected to buy my own clothes and anything else i needed which meant i had to save any left over birthday money to last for a year as well as covering birthday presents for anyone else in the family. During this time, i would also keep a notes page in my phone, this page was used for me to document the way that she would treat me, along the same lines as this but in a notes page of a Blackberry phone instead. At age 16 she forced me to get a job with terrible pay simply because it was in her favourite shop so she could have discount of the clothes there. When i wanted to leave and take up a new job, she pressured me to keep that job and take up a whole other job at the same time, meaning i was overworked and hugely stressed.
We would get family pictures taken, and she would force me to look like we all liked each other; she would pull me into pictures with her hand on my bottom. My mother is well known for calling me anorexic, pressuring me into doing things i didn't want to do, and causing my self confidence levels to plummet. That was just who she was.
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I don't even know if people will want to read this story its already started off as really depressing, but i guess because its my actual life its going to be.
If you are reading this, comment on this line and tell me what you genuinely think.
