Lost

The pain

do i mean physical or mental pain?

i mean both.

pain. no matter physical or emotional still hurts.

as a little boy. i felt both.

pain started and finished my day.

it was all i knew.

i remember the cold water running over my head.

my mom holding me there while i panicked.

the cousin sat and ignored my pain.

she said she was "sorry"

my mom never said "sorry"

my mom would say "stop crying"

those two words always struck fear into my heart.

because of those two words i cant cry.

how can two words stop something permanently

i was raised to care for no one but family.

how do i do that? 

what if i fall in love?

what will i do? 

ill tell you what i do

i show my love by pushing them away

but when pushed some people will leave

by some i mean all

all the people i loved left.

left me alone.

cold.

alone.

and worst of all

lost

young and lost.

told how to feel.

told what to do

as the pain grew i developed a new emotion.

an emotion that made me feel safe.

that emotion became my only one.

that emotion is called anger.

i learned that if people feared you they wouldnt mess with you.

but no one told me it meant i would be alone.

i made the wrong people fear me.

i made the people i love fear me.

anger controlled me so much i began to fear myself.

what had i become

what had i done.