Thoughts and feelings

A new thought.

I read these words a year later, and they make no sense to me. They seem to be filled with useless emotion. My heart aches at the thought of them ,the meaning behind the emotions , the unintelligible way that I put them together to form this sort of sad poetic prose that makes absolutely no sense to me now. Why was I begging for a love that is not mine to hold onto? I held unto this love for so long that I forgot about every other love that I could have. My ultimate failure in life was forgetting to love myself. Yes, you were beautiful but I could never fully appreciate your beauty because i didn't fully appreciate mine. How could I have thought that I could have been your anchor when I could barely stay afloat on calm waters? How naive of me, unaware of everything, yet I thought I knew everything. It's no fun knowing everything, because  living would  then be unnecessary. But the sad truth is I wanted to know everything because I wanted to die. I thought that a person obtains full knowledge of the world when death becomes their shadow and for some strange reason I wanted death to become mine. If there is one thing I can do whilst I am alive that I can't do when I am dead is make up for my past. An invitation to death is simply a plead to escape, a cry of some sort. The " you "I was referring to in this text is a she. This she changed my life but she wasn't responsible for the change, she was just a sign from God to show me what he put me on this earth for. We knew each other for a total count of nine months barely a year yet still she had the ability to shift the direction of my journey within that small timeframe. Looking back I laugh at myself for letting this girl who was no bigger than I was cause this revolution of emotions within me. Later down I would laugh at this statement realizing that she served her purpose in my life, and she served it well.