Thoughts and feelings

How it began

December 15, 2014

Tinkerbell

I should have believed you when you told me no one is going to   love me like you do. But I still hope for someone to love me just a little bit more.

I was young, dumb and afraid but the pain wasn't in vain. The pain matured me, the pain was meant be. That's why I call it beautiful because only something as beautiful as you could have brought upon a pain as beautiful as this.

I feel foolish now ,but I shouldn't because it is unknown as to what is meant to happen and I have no knowledge of it at all.
For some  reason I had faith when I was with you, a faith that was  lost. You wanted me to change myself for the better and you did. Not for myself but for you and all was lost when you were gone. I now have to change for me, and no one else.

There are some things that I can't control in my life and one of those  is the thought of you. I've gotten used to it  so much  that  I've somewhat gained an appreciation for it. It's something that I can't blame myself for or you  because at one point in my life and for the first time in my life, someone else meant the world and more to me. I only have to wait out the memory  of you, wait it out as it fades behind my memories and becomes nothing more than the past .

Caramel skin , big brown eyes;  your serene beauty was just one of the few things that captured my attention. There was a calmness about it, one which made my heart skip beats and my amused my inner energy.  My interest in you just kept growing and I was confused because I adored you like you were an expensive gift something that i wanted to purchase so bad that i'd work days and nights in order to buy it. I grew richer with your love and that's where I  started being careless enough to damage what we had. I can go on and on about your beauty but it was your soul which captured me; your interest, your discoveries, just you being you. But you were hard to break, to the point were I almost broke myself trying to break you. For every block I took out from your wall I sacrificed two of mine.However, my fear got the better of me, I became afraid of demolishing my walls for you. So I questioned  removing the last remaining and when I finally had the courage to do so It ended in greater destruction for the two of us than I had expected. You realized what I was doing , you realized that I only removed some of my blocks just to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you were smart, you saw that I was removing yours at a faster pace and you left. You left before I could hurt you  more than I already had , enough was enough. What angered me was that, you didn't wait to see if I would have completely removed mine and what I would have done after. My walls have gone down now and instead of building them back up I've decided to plant a garden in its place, a garden with a hedge of roses at the entrance and a gate, so that those who want to enter can come and go as they please. It doesn't make sense building walls , walls are lifeless and dull and when you are captured within them it stifles you and you became just as lifeless as they are. But with flowers they grow, you learn to take care of them, you watch them change based on the different seasons, you watch them as they transform  and bloom into their magnificent colors. A garden is full of life and attracts life in all shapes and forms so why put up a wall and block out life, I want to be full of life.