Azriel's Tale

Azriel's Tale - Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6:

Another few weeks had passed. Everyone doing their usual routines, however, slowly, the members of the Night Court began to realise how absent Amren had been. 

"She is probably just with Varian." Cassian commented when concern began to appear on the High Lord's face.

"Exactly," Mor agreed. "Their relationship is still relatively new. They are going to spend time together. You know, like a normal couple."

"Amren is hardly normal," Cassian responded in good humour. "I didn't even think she knew what romantic relationships were, let alone her being in one."

Everyone's worries fluttered away during the conversation and Morrigan bought up a different topic of conversation and they were all bickering lovingly once more. Azriel still didn't feel like himself, he'd felt better than what he did. But, but something was still lingering beneath him. He felt as though his shadows were screaming and shouting the answer at him, but he just could not hear them. He was even letting his shadows down. At one point in his life, they had been his only comfort, his only escape. And now he was disappointing them. 

Azriel was once again sat in his usual seat by the window, looking out at the night sky. He kept thinking back to his conversation with Elain and how much that had helped him. Maybe that is what he needed. Someone to talk to. Not necessarily Elain, but perhaps someone with less bias. But what would he talk about? He didn't understand the issue. 

That was always a part of Azriel's job, understanding the problems and beginning to tackle them. He couldn't even do that anymore. He wasn't good enough-

Without Azriel's knowledge, the army commander's focus shifted to the shadowsinger. Cassian could tell that his brother was hurting. It was apparent he wasn't himself. By the Cauldron, it was his brother. If Cassian was being honest with himself, he was hurt that the Illyrian didn't ask him for help, guidance, or whatever he needs during this time. However, Cassian thought better of these ideas. This was Azriel, he never asked for help. He always kept things to himself, even if this wasn't healthy for both his mind and body. Rhysand had informed Cassian of the day he caught Azriel accidentally harming himself, but the High Lord asked that he not let Azriel know that Cassian knew. Cassian, respecting his Lord's wishes, had kept his promise. That didn't mean Cassian couldn't speak to Azriel.

"Az?" A short pause, then a response. 

"Yes."

"Can we speak outside for a moment?" Cassian asked, unusually polite. This mannerism was odd for Cassian, which immediately put the shadowsinger on alert. Cassian stood from his seat, his wings tucked in tight and left the house. Azriel following behind. As they left the rest of the people in the house shared looks of concern with one another. They were soon on the patio outside, where Azriel usually reads in the evening, and he sat in his usual seat. Azriel was always one for routines. Cassian took a seat on a bench opposite him and exhaled a long, slightly hyperbolic sigh. Azriel, for a change, started the interaction.

"What did you want to talk about?" Weariness flooded his tone.

"You," Cassian said without any hesitation. 

"What about me?" Azriel asked, feigning innocence and ignorance.

"Oh, bullshit. You know exactly what I am talking about Az." Cassian retorted, his annoyance of Azriel neglecting himself becoming apparent in his tone. He'd rather take out his anger at whatever was causing his change in character, not him. Azriel nodded.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise to me!" Cassian exclaimed, "You haven't done anything wrong. I-I just want you to be you. I want you to be happy. At the moment Az, I don't think you are either of those things. Do you need me to do something? Get you anything?" The army commander's words flooded out of him as if the words had been waiting for some time to be said. Maybe he had gone too far. Perhaps the shadowsinger would step further into darkness at Cassian's small emotional outburst towards his brother, Azriel's soft smile indicating that the army commander was being delusional. 

"I appreciate you saying that Cas, but I've been thinking about a lot of things, and I think this is something I need to deal with alone." Cassian already had his mouth open to shut down this statement.

"You always do. You always think you need to do everything by yourself. Whether that be about your personal life, your work life, or whatever else is going on. By the Cauldron, Az. We don't really know much about you." The shadowsinger began to bow his head with shame and, anger, but these words needed to be said. "I know you have good reasons for not wanting to talk about things, but Azriel, we are all here. You have a wealth of resources at your disposal: us. Rhys, Feyre, Mor, Amren and I." He finished.

"I understand that. I'm not an idiot." Azriel hissed, his anger rising at the accusation.

"I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying you don't have to do this alone-"

"I KNOW THAT!" He roared. "Just because I can talk to you all, doesn't mean I want to. I don't have to use all my 'resources' for me to understand something. People consistently tell me this. It's on repeat; 'you don't have to do this alone', 'I'm here for you' and the classic, 'We are here if you need to talk.' Just because you are offering this to me and I am not taking them does not make me a bad person, so enough with it." Azriel winnowed away from the Illyrian before more words could spill out, which he would later regret. 

Another one down! I'm trying to write more this month considering it is NaNoWriMo, so please feel free to leave me comments and reviews to help me navigate this story better. To be completely honest, I am not 100% sure where I am going with this story so comments would benefit me greatly. Thanks -Jessica.