The possibility of us

Chapter 32

Maybe I'm wrong to hope that I just can pick up as if nothing has happened in the past. Alam ko kung gaano kasakit para sa akin ang nangyari but it pained Zach too. And I think it was harder for him than it is for me that until now, he is hurting.

I know I have to be where he is. Parang I can't breathe a day without seeing him or smelling him so kung saan siya, dapatnanduon din ako. We were just high school back then, so young and careless especially for me so unsteady and double minded. Having Zach around is the one thing I know I am sure of. It's selfishness on my part to want him, but I push him away at the same time.

My father enrolled him to a different school for a possible scholarship sa college. But for all I know, he just wants Zach to be away from me. Not that Zach is a bad influence, but I am for him.

"Zhaira, I know not having your mother around had given you so much weight and that made you lost in your own worries. But you can't drag Zachary with you forever"

"I am not dragging him dad. Zach and I are very good friends, we share life with each other and he understands me more than anyone around here. You know that"

"Of course I know. But I believe so much in that boy anglaking potential niya and I don't want his father's dreams of him go to waste."

"Alamkoyun dad and I support him"

"Can't you see? That boy will do everything and anything for you Zhaira! He is trying to fix everything for you"

"That's not true dad"

"His father died Zhaira. Namataysi Gary when he saved you from a bar fight. Nasaksaksi Gary ng random gang member and you didn't hear a word from Zach"

"Wait. Dad, are you blaming me? Just as the same when Mom died?"

"I'm just trying to say that you should fix yourself because no one can ever do that for you. Not even Zach. You keep running away while Zach is clearing the roads for you, even to his own expense"

"Zhaira, if Zachary means so much to you then you wouldn't want to be the one blocking his way to reach his dreams. Do not deprive him of what he truly deserves"

My father was right. Zach has so much potential and I am hindering him from growing and achieving. All I thought I was supporting him peroako pala ang nagpapabigatng lahat para sakanya.

After tatay Gary died, everything's changed. He didn't say a word. He did not blame me for what happened which I believed he should. Instead, he accepted my dad's offer of changing school. I know for a fact that I am a mess, but he understands me. But I also know that a messy person could never be fitted to someone as perfect as Zach. I've always dreamed of the possibility of us being together, free as a bird. But looking myself in the mirror brings me back to the reality that I am not good for him. I'm jealous of the girls, the decent ones who shows interest of him. That's why I have to do things to keep him close. My own clumsy, but selfish ways of wanting to be part of his life.

He was so focused when his father died. I tried bothering him like before, but only to make him smile. Effective naman kahit papaano, but it breaks my heart to not hear him get mad at me. I would do anything just to hear him speak openly to me ever again because ever since that fateful day, an invisible barrier fell down between us.

It hurts so much that I cannot lay down on the table what my heart feels. Kahitkay nanay Rosa, she was so kind to comfort me that I am not to blame for the death of her husband. But why I am still not convinced? Maybe because I know I'ts my fault, but did not do anything right to correct it. Maybe I was too late or maybe I did things, with the intention of ending things right. But I made it worst,  I pushed them away.