I Hope You Dance (Artemi Panarin)

Falling Apart Theory

Artemi

"Artemi" someone yells and I shake my head bringing myself back into reality. I look around at a room full of hockey players in front of a screen and notice that film was over, it looks like it's been over for a while. I feel everyone's eyes on me as they wait for me to respond.

"Yes" I ask.

"Bro, you were hard core spacin'. Are you okay" Corey asks and I look up at him.

"Yeah, I'm fine" I reply coldly.

"Are you sure. That's like the third time today I've caught you lost in space. And it's like 11 am" he tells me.

"I'm good, I swear it" I insist.

"Sure" he mumbles before he walks away. We all leave the film room and head to the ice to practice. Now I really wish I was paying attention to the film because k have no idea what we're practicing. I get changed into the practice jersey and pass and follow everyone to the ice.

I stand along the boards as some guys skate around and I stare off into the stands. I look at everyone who came out and it was actually quite a few people. More people than I expected.

I scan the crowd and my eyes land on a girl who I swore was Gabriella. She sits down and looks to the ice. My shoulders fall when I realize it wasn't her and I let out a sigh. Great, now I'm seeing her everywhere too.

For the past few days I couldn't seem to get her off my mind. I feel like I can hear her voice in my head telling me that she misses me. I feel like I see her everywhere, like she finally came back to me, but then I realize that whatever girl I'm looking at isn't my girl and it kills me inside every time.

Practice gets started and I go through the routine. We work in power plays and face off which I have nothing to do with. They work on the Penalty kill which I'm happy I'm not a part of. But they have to play against someone and it turned out to be me, Patrick, Panik, Hossa, and Smaltz.

Panik passes the puck to me and I hold it by the left dot. I hesitate because I realized that I didn't know if I should shoot or pass. I hold the puck until I feel someone's body hit me cleanly and sends me flying. My body hits the ice hard and I let out a grunt. Q blows the whistle and play stops.

I wasn't mad at whoever hit me, it was clean and he was just going his job. I was mad at myself for being so damn spacey. And the decision I was contemplating wasn't shoot or pass. I was mad at myself because I wasn't sure of myself anymore. Instead of shoot or pass I wanted to know if my heart is here or in New York. I felt like I was losing my mind and I didn't know how to fix it because I didn't know the real problem. Hockey was supposed to be the one thing that cleared my mind but all I've been able to find out here today was disappointment.

"Are you good Breadman" Jonny asks.

"I'm fine" I mutter hopping to my skates.

"Are you sure" he asks again.

"I said I'm fine! Didn't you hear me" I scream and everything falls silent. For the second time today all eyes were on me and I hated it.

I storm off the ice and change as quickly as I could. I throw all my shit in my bag and hop in my car. In record time I'm home and throw my bag on the floor. I sit on my couch then throw my face in my hands before screaming. Just screaming into seemingly nowhere.

Tank comes out of his bed and jumps on the couch. He's really not supposed to be up here but I didn't care in the moment. He crawls into my arms making me pick my head up and he curls into my arms. How can I be upset when he's being a cute little shit?

"What am I going to do my little buddy" I ask petting his head.

We sit there in the silence before I hear my phone go off. I let it ring and ring and ring some more. Eventually I pull it out of my pocket and see what I was dealing with. It was a bunch of missed calls from the guys. Some guys texting me asking if I was okay or what was wrong. I was in no mood to talk to them so I was about to toss my phone to the side. That was until I see Gabby's name pop up.

Hey baby. I'm actually in rehearsal and not supposed to have my phone, let alone be on it, but I wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you. A lot actually. I just want to say that I love you more than anything. I feeling like being here wouldn't be that bad if you were here. I miss how you make everything so amazing. I miss our dates and being able to kiss you all the time. I hope you're doing well, not that I ever worry you're not. Keep making me proud.

I wipe away a tear with my free hand and lock my phone with the other. I know I said I wanted her to go to New York. I know I said that she would be fine without me. But I'm not fine without her. I need her in the worst ways. I need to hear her voice, not over the phone or on face time, like I want to actually feel it. I want to lay with her and feel her chest vibrate when she laughs at one of my lame jokes. I want to look into those deep grey eyes and tell her at any given time how much she means to me.

But I can't because I pushed her away, all the way to New York in fact. And I know she had to go but I wish it could have been different.

After a while I hop in the shower and look for food. When I realize there is no food I grab my dog and my things and decided to go search for some.

I find a little outdoor diner and decide to eat there. I order my food and get Tank some treats too and look around. It was a pretty lowly place which was god for someone in my mental state.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around. There Jonny stood towering over me with that stale look on his face. Just my luck.

"Can I sit here" he asks pointing to the open seat.

"Sure" I shrug. He sits down and pets Tank so he would quit barking. That dog loves the attention.

"You wanna talk about what's going on" he asks.

"Not really" I admit.

"If you can't talk to me then who can you talk to" he asks. I let out a sigh because he has a point.

"I feel like I'm losing my mind. I swear I see Gabby's face all the time, I almost chased after a girl who looked like her earlier. I hear her in my head telling her that she misses me and wishes she can come back but she doesn't want to let me down because I pushed her so hard to go. But I couldn't let her know that the thought of her not being here is killing me inside. I couldn't look her in the eyes and tell her to drop everything and stop chasing your dreams so I can hold you. It doesn't work like that" I argue.

"There's nothing wrong with wanting her here. You guys love each other so much and sometimes it takes being part to realize just how much someone means to you" he explains.

"She means the world to me. And without her I feel like my world is falling apart stuff starts making no sense. Even things I don't need to second guess like hockey becomes questionable to me. It's scary. I just... I don't know what to do" I sigh.

"I don't think there's anything you can do. You guys are in two different places in your life, until your paths cross again you're kinda stuck" he claims.

"Great" I mumble and he laughs.

"Just know that when your paths do cross again, none of this shit will matter. In that moment it all becomes a blur because you get to start all over again and make a new ending."