I Hope You Dance (Artemi Panarin)

Feeling Tired Theory

Gabriella

"Five six seven eight. One... three... five... seven."

I go through the motions over and over in front of the mirror. I watch myself and try to create muscle memory. But my muscles were tired and so was my brain.

When I used to get overloaded I would find a creative outlet. Well right now dance is my creative outlet from other things but it's the exact same thing that's causing me to stress too.

After a few more hours I decide to take a break to rest my tired body. I sit down and drink enough water to support a dying camel.

"Working hard" Kassie asks sitting down next to me and I scoff.

"To say the least" I admit.

"Are you feeling well" she asks moving so she can see my face.

"I'm pretty tired" I admit.

"You look sick" she admits.

"My type of illness isn't physical" I insist.

"What do you mean" she asks.

"Do you really think I'm this perfect dancer" I ask.

"Well yeah. I've heard things, I've seen you dance. You have a super hot boyfriend and no parents down your back" she lists off.

"I don't have parents to get off my back" I tell her.

"Really? So your like a orphan" she asks.

"Worse" I laugh. "My parents kept me" I reiterate.

"I'm sorry, I had no idea" she says getting all defensive.

"It's fine Kass, you're hardly the first person to mention parents around me. There's nothing you can say that I haven't heard a hundred times. I don't want your sympathy" I sigh.

"What do you want" she asks.

"I want all these voices inside my head to shut the hell up. I want to find some peace of mind and I thought I could maybe find it here. This is what I wanted for so long after all, I figured that if I go after these dreams it would satisfy these voices. But the voices are only getting louder. One was me as a kid asking why I couldn't be happy. Another was me as a middle schooler listening to the people whisper behind my back. Then it was me in highly school wondering what the whole point of this is. All these voices getting louder and louder and I can't take it anymore. I want it all to stop" I say stuffing my face in my hands.

"What can I do to help" she asks.

"Get me the hell out of here" I insist.

"Only if you take me with" she bargains and I raise a eyebrow.

"Deal" I smile.

I get up and help her off the floor. We toss all of our belongings we kept here in a bag and left as soon as possible. I never did look back, never did shed a tear. It was a little cold blooded, I know. But I came here for answers. And the only thing I learned was that I don't need to be in broadway shows or studied like a specimen to be called talented or beautiful. I have someone who tells me these things every day regardless of what I look like or accomplished and that's all I care about. I came out here looking for a purpose, and my purpose was back in Chicago.

I take Kassie to her hotel room to pick some things up. She lived with another dancer but she was sure that she would run away soon too if she had a choice. She leaves a short note on the table before leaving forever.

After she packs the car with her things we go back to my place. I grab my clothes and other valuables I've gathered in my time here. Hank hops into the car and we head to the airport.

"Are you sure this is what you want? Because Joffrey is a powerful man. If he's upset with you you will never step a foot on any other dance floor ever again" she warns.

"I love dancing, I really do. I felt great when I was doing it. But no amount of dance can keep me from going back to Chicago right now. I loved it here, being at the studio was a dream come true. I've met some of the worlds best dances and coolest choreographers. I was able to create art with my body and meet some cool people along the way. But this was just a trail, and my time has come. This place has been nothing but good to me but I can't eat or sleep. I feel so weak all the time and I don't take care of myself. I'm slowly losing my mind and I need to be as far away from here as possible. And I don't want to go back for Artemi to take care of me. But I want to go back to helping people, that's how I help myself" I explain. 

"I'm proud of you" she says.

"Why" I wonder.

"Because you're not making a easy decision, you're making the best one. I mean it would be so easy to stay here and feel like if you throw this opportunity away you're killing your life. I can't even tell you the amount of people who don't even last as long as you do before losing their minds. Dance is a hard business but for someone with your talents you would hardly break a sweat. Staying would be so easy. But you're not afraid to make a change. You're not afraid to admit that all this isn't for you. That's pretty cool if you ask me" she shrugs.

"And what about you? What are you going to tell your parents" I ask.

"I don't know. I'm no longer in their care so there's not much say they have in this. I want to start over fresh, do something that makes me happy, not them" she insists.

"Well Chicago is filled with places for you to explore, find something you like. And you're more than welcomed to stay at my place" I offer.

"Seriously" she asks.

"Yeah. I kept it this whole time and it's pretty much set up" I explain.

"Where are you going to stay then" she asks.

"I know of a friend who has a extra room. I'll have to ask them but I'm sure it's no problem" I nod.

"Thank you Gabby" she says wrapping her arms around me.

"Any time kid" I smile.

We get on the plane and wait for it to take off. I look outside and see the lights and let out a sigh. I sure was going to miss this place. I wish I could have enjoyed it more. But it was time for me to go home.

"Are you going to see your boyfriend when you get there" she asks.

"It'll be the first thing I do. I know he probably won't be all too happy I'm done dancing but I miss him so much" I admit.

"I know. I can feel it. But there's no way he can be upset with you. He's not that stupid" she claims and I laugh.

I look out the window and take it in one last time.