Who I Am

I'm Drowning

This isn't for attention or anything. Its just, I'm trying to get some old feelings off my chest to get past the past. I feel like I'm being chained down by it. Sinking deeper into a restless sea and not allowed to breath. I'm happy when I don't think about things, especially the past, but surpressing and running away for it has only torn me down more. Most people wouldn't notice. I'm just a girl humming or spinning in the hallways. Book always in hand. Smiling practically ever ten minutes, even with braces. So... I don't know how to word this. But I'll try my best.

I have depressing suicidal thoughts. This is not a self harm story. Though I came close the other day. I had set down my razor and before I knew what I was doing, just listening and believing dark thoughts, like all I do is hurt people and everyone would be better if I was gone, I raised it and held the razor to the skin of my pale wrist. I looked at it, wondering what I was thinking and put the razor away. When I walked back to my room unharmed, the thoughts came flooding back and I remembered why.

When I don't understand things, like I mentioned in the last chapter, I look thinks up until I understand practically how to be that person, an example is transgender or, in this case, depressed or suicidal. I was only doing research so I could understand a character that captured my heart and soul, Theodore Finch, from All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. It could also help me understand more of the girl from the book Thirteen Reasons Why. My music doesn't even fit me. I'm this happy bright person who listens to songs like Teenagers by My Chemical Romance and Better Off Dead by Sleeping With Sirens. If I just live in the moment and don't think too much when I'm alone, not letting myself feel unresolved feelings from the past so I won't dissolve into darkness, then I fool myself as well as everyone else.

I'm not faking. I genuinely am happy when I laugh or smile at people. In the moment, I am happy. In the moment. But even that's starting to slip away now. I can't fully be okay now, in the present. I get, angry or I shut down real easily. I'm talking to people less and less. I had stopped eating lunch, only having a small snack by myself. I didn't want to burden those I care for. They were better without me. If I wasn't around I couldn't hurt them. There was no chance of me making the light fall from their eyes or the smile to leave their lips . . .

Ever since I was little I've known my purpose in life was to make people happy. I believed that I was my miscarriage two year older sister and came back because I didn't want my parents to be in such heartbreaking pain. I thought friend Kat was upset one time when she was at our friends house. So I wrapped my arms around her and held her gentle and as comforting as I could. She said with a laugh that my superpower was comforting people. I'm strong for everyone else, I stop itching my arms, which is actually one of the beginnings of self harm. Wish I head known when I started that before Kindergarten. My Mom and Grandma would do nothing but fight. Young me didn't feel like she was needed, like she had somehow caused this to be a broken family, Zeus knows she always screamed at me what a nuisance I was. So, I'd dig my nails into my arms, stomach, anywhere. Not caring how much it showed or how much I bleed out. It helped me escape. I deserved it anyway, I didn't deserve anything but pain. Dark thoughts for such a young kid huh? Story of my life. Bad things happen to good people.

I only realized at the beginning of this week, the day before Halloween, that my past and some of my current behavior fits the beginnings of depression.
As a kid: I chopped all my hair off until it was just below my ears. You could say I'm just over analysing this, that I was being a kid, and there was no way I did that sudden change because I was going into the dark of depression. I just have one question. *tilts head looking at chu curiously* Did you have depressing thoughts like, 'I deserve this,' when your Mom was hitting you? Or from a young age you didn't care how much blood you e you thought everything would be alright and become great for your Mom and Grandma if you just weren't there anymore?