Who I Am

How I Came Out (and more)

CONTAINS SPOILERS TO HOUSE OF HADES BY RICK RIORDAN

DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE A SPOILER

silver_soul_reaper asked me if I ever had fallen for the same gender. When I said I have I said I could tell her how I came out. So, here's the story of how I found out and came out with my pansexuality... Oh! But it'll be interesting because the letter I wrote to Rick Riordan I never sent holds all of this, how I came out, how the Heroes of Olympus books educated me and made me want to know more about LGBTQs+, how My Mum and I don't get along, the works. So, he's the letter I never sent that tells the stories you readers probably never wanted to hear.

Dear Rick Riordan,

You've probably gotten countless fan letters before, but the fact that your publisher will get this, even if you never get to read this, is enough. I love your work, there's not a thing I'd change about it. How you can have something connect from five books before is mind blowing. You had to have it all planned from the start. I'm going to start rereading the Percy Jackson universe books for the eighth time since I found them last year, at the end of summer. But, this letter isn't about how amazing your books are and how after reading the Lightning Thief freshman year, 2015-2016, has, more likely than not, turned me into a bookworm for life. Heck, I brought a book to a dance so I could read instead of being all awkward, gazing at the ceiling or having a stare off with the floor while the soft murmur of the slow song ran through the Gym . . . This is about how you helped me get a glimpse of understanding and the desire to learn more . . . When Jason and Nico were confronting Cupid about Diocletian's scepter, I was just as confused as Jason. I was like, "What the heliem does he want with Nico so bad?!?!" But then, the reason why . . .

You see, all that time I thought Nico hated Percy because he hadn't protected his sister. Along the way I had guessed that he had liked Annabeth and was a little mad at Percy because they were together. I had overlooked it without much thought. I only questioned it when Cupid said Nico was jealous of her. I was more confused than ever until,

" "I had a crush on Percy." Nico spat. "That's the truth. That's the secret." "

I knew that he liked Percy, I just couldn't see how, or why. Ever since I was a kid, I thought boys could like boys and girls could like girls. I thought that was okay for others, not understanding how it happened but accepted it none the less for them, but never for myself. How could I when Grandma was always trying to interrogate me to find out what boy I liked?

Along with all my girl best friends giggling, pointing at the boy they thought was cute. I just couldn't. I got the idea into my head that it'd be wrong, I'd be a disappointment, if I liked the same gender as me, a girl. As a result, I never had a crush on one and never considered a same sex relationship an option. I knew there was people out there like this, but because of our small town being really judgmental, if there are any LGBTs, they'd most likely be in hiding. Because of this, I was so shocked at Nico's revelation, I just didn't see *winces* how that was possible. That's what lead me to google a few things. I wanted to understand Nico more, I wanted to see how it was possible to like the same gender you are. I wasn't homophonic, I completely accepted Nico along with my Uncle Joe, who I found out was gay that Summer. I just wasn't exposed to the prospect growing up and I wanted to know where they were coming from. After much research, I came to realize that you could fall for someone, no matter the gender. Love didn't have a sex nor should it, love was just love. I became aware of LGBTs. I started looking to see if there was anything more than friendship between same sex Besties at school . . . I couldn't help being curious what gender new kids were attracted to . . . I'd tease my friends good heartedly, saying she'd be cute with the new chick . . . I saw no difference between two guys together than a boy and girl. Just as I did when little, the difference was, now I understood. By the end of Summer, what my two years younger best friend, I was 15, had said a few nights before kept poking at the back of my mind,

"You know . . . We hold hands more than my BF and me do."

They were secretly dating, so I thought nothing of it. But over the next few days, what she said followed me around. Thinking if I ignored it, the thoughts would go away, that wasn't the case. Just to get it out of my head, I sat down and reluctantly let my mind wander . . .

I thought of how her smile would light up my day . . . How whenever I hugged her from behind neither of us would let go and we'd end up cuddling . . . They may of put time limits on hugs because of us. Oops XD . . . How much it pained me when her BF hurt her, how I wouldn't let go and held her until her tears gave out . . . How warm and right it felt to have her hand in mine . . . Heck, out fingers were intertwined with out hands resting on her knee, on the same night she mentioned how we held hands more than her and her BF did. After that it just hit me, like a brick to the head. I was completely in over my head in a crush I had on her . . . And the most surprising, I didn't mind one bit, I may of even blushed. If it wasn't for my curiosity, given to me by you, in my quest to understand my favorite character Nico better, I wouldn't of found out I was pansexual. (It's someone who can fall for a guy, girl, someone born the opposite sex they are, someone in between, a person that gender moves through them, ever changing as the ocean tide, or the lack of gender all together.) I wouldn't have the curiosity and strive to understand the feelings and wants of other people, anywhere from alcoholic, people dragging a blade across their skin, to people who are trans. I can't stand the dehumanization of any person. If I don't understand something, like asexuality for example, I won't stop looking things up until I understand what it feels like to be them. I don't reach for hate because I fear the unknown, I turn it into an opportunity to know what they're going through. No one should ever have to suffer alone . . .

I just realized why I have the need to know things I don't get, why I piece together this puzzle . . . Because my Mom thinks this is just a phase I'm going through. Know matter how much I tell her my yearning to hold my best friends hand, and kiss away every tear that falls from her beautiful coco eyes, that I was nothing but curious and confused. I told her a year ago, and she's still convinced. I want to understand where my Mother doesn't get me. I don't understand how the 20 or so Jr. High and High School students out of 100 kids, we're k-12 and the other ones are too young to understand, my classmates can get where I'm coming from and accept it, when my own Mother doesn't . . . I may not care for her approval much because she gets mad at me when I didn't do anything wrong and she was smiling a second or two before; and she used to hit me when I was young, leaving me bleeding and bruised to come home to my Dad's, they've been divorced since I was seven, to lie to him, my favorite person in the world, saying I fell on the pavement at school . . . I may be able to shrug off the words of people spreading rumors that I am a stoner at school, not caring what they think, because they don't know me, and if my friends were really my friends, they'd know it wasn't true, that those words aren't me . . . But I can't ignore the death stares and cold glares I get thrown my way by doing a double take at a girl walking by . . . It may sting, but I can't help slowly drawing away from my Mom, a wall being built up between us brick by brick . . . Up's and down's, I wouldn't want it any other way. Because of your books Rick. I go out of my way to try and get knowledges of the unknown.

I've never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I'm no longer lost,

I know who I am,

No longer afraid to speak,

and, for the first time in my life,

=) =) =) =) =) I'm happy =) =) =) =) =)

Thank you.

Forever looking up, never going to let my head bow down again . . .

Your friend,

~Katie :) Hennessy