Raped

The boy

Once I turned 14 years old my parents finally got me a phone. That was my get away from everything in life and I met so many people from social media that I thought was showing me love but in reality they were just using me. I never went to public school so I  never got bullied by other kids so I guess that's one thing that I could say that haven't happened to me. But I knew I had more control over my life when I was 14 years old. But I never knew what life was. All I heard from my parents was you always gonna have to work for your dream house and nice cars. I didn't know the basics of life. Like not getting pregnant, getting my period, know how a boy suppose to treat me, not to show certain parts of my body. But I had to learn all of that at a young age. In the summer there was this cute pool cleaner boy who use to clean the pool on the weekends. And most of the time my parents weren't never at home. And I use to go outside while he was cleaning the pool and on purpose I use to wear a bikini just to show my body to him. And of course like any boy would do he would glance over at me. And I use to do this every weekend. Then I thought to myself that he wasn't getting my attention enough. So one weekend he was there I went to my room and opened my window so he could see me undress. And of course he payed attention to me. Then I walked down stairs to tell him he could come inside. So just like any teen would do he started to kiss me nonstop and I didn't know what Love was so when he did it. It brought back memories of me getting raped. And he started to push himself against me and he pulled my hair. Then that was when I remembered my mom trying to yank my hair out when she found out I got my period without telling her. And when he was doing all of this it brought back memories. And I felt hopeless and very lost. But before he put me on my bed he asked me if I wanted to have sex. And I didn't wanna sound stupid for not knowing what sex was and I just told him yes. But I thought I was getting raped because he did the exact same thing of what my uncle did. And he started to put something into me and push against my area. But I didn't mind because I liked him and I didn't tell him to stop. But the feeling I got was amazing. And I started to moan louder and louder. Then he went in to kiss me. I felt like the happiest person because I thought he was showing me love. Then he asked me to suck his penis. I then started to get confused because I felt uneasy. Then I got lightheaded. Once I replied saying yes I needed to throw up. But he was still in me. So I told him to get off of me and I quickly ran to the bathroom and threw up so many times. He then left and never came back to clean the pool. I felt confused and sad and soon became depressed knowing that someone I liked showed me love and never wanted to see me again after I had sex with him. I had so many questions like did he use me? Did he like me? Or what?