AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FIRST LOVE.
Hey. I honestly do not know how to start this. Are you doing well? Are you eating your meals on time? Have you been drinking your cough syrups? I hope you still do. I know I have no right to tell these things to you now, I have not the right in the first place but I just want to let you know.
When you came, I was a mess, everything was in chaos, except you of course. You were my safe haven, my drug, my own brand of heroin. You took, me so high that It shattered every part of me into a hundred pieces when I took the fall and you took it all. Honestly you were my first everything, with whatever happened between us. You showed me how marvelous it felt to be loved, and taught me how to love deeply that the wounds left by you were also too deep for bandaids to fix. I honestly loved you with every beating of my heart, I looked foward to every single day, to every single moment I could get a hold of your hands and feel safe in you warm embraces. I looked forward to feeling every single air you breathe as I fall sleep, to evrything, just everything about you. I have never felt such happiness you brought and took away with you when you left, no not even today.
But of course, I was young, your looks were deceiving, your words, I knew were poison to me, but still I swallowed. You used me. Honestly I accepted every single thing she said, what your ex said, even what the whole damn world said. Your words were what I only believed. When you left you took everything with you. I was left with nothing but a shattered heart not knowing where to start taping back the pieces. When you left I knew how it was to be in the bathroom with a bottle of alcohol hoping it would at least, just for one damn night numb the pain I was feeling. But no it didn't not even for a single night. When you left I learned how to mourn over someone who is still alive. For two years to be exact.
I questioned myself am I ugly? Am I fat? Am I not enough? Questions which I still do not have answers till now. For years I felt numb and stupid
Still, I don't blame you, I can't even stay mad at you. Because for once you were exactly what I needed.Yes, I did not regret every single thing about you because the thing that shattered me most was also the one who made me feel so complete. And I don't hate you either, if you'd be trap in a building with fire I'd still save you.
So yeah, I heard you got her. A lot of people thought we looked good together, but you look happier with her, I guess. I hope so. So I think it's time to let go of you, you're tantalizing eyes, you drowning scent, everything about you. I wish all that is best for you. And I wish you happiness, even if it's not me, it's no longer me, even if it has never been me. Because now I have come to realize that I am just one of your silly doll collections.
P.S. : I'd spent another year of heatbreaks and alcohol just for another perfect moment with you.
Live happily and forget me,all the memories of me, though I know you already have, as I will to all your memories left here in my heart.
P.S.S: I loved you.
Love,
Your 18th, 20th or something Doll
