Privilege

Chapter 12

His first funeral. His first funeral isn’t for a grandparent or for a friend’s elderly aunt with wrinkles so deep you can stash stuff in them, but for Josh, Josh Devine. His first boyfriend at Prescott.

Young, beautiful, lovely Josh.

So many moments keeps replaying in his mind; the first time Niall met Josh at the welcome party, the first time he kissed him to make Whit go away, the way he looked at him like Niall was his whole world, Josh confessing his love for him, the last time he saw Josh, so reluctant to let him go, the pout on his lips the ”I’ll miss you”, and then the worst of them all; him hooking up with Zayn, dry-humping and kissing him while Josh was somewhere dying. Every time he thinks about it, it crushes him completely; he can feel the guilt and the emotions bubbling up in his throat, cloaking his breathing.

He gasps for breath.

He feels Harry’s fingers curl tighter around where it has been closed around his hand ever since Mrs. Devine started her speech at the service; he doesn’t stops squeezing until Niall almost loses feelings in it. He thinks how wonderful it would be if he lost feelings all over; if all the pain would just leave him, if he could just feel numb forever.

“Josh, my little boy,” Mrs. Devine mourns wistfully, her eyes rimmed red, her skin sickly pale even under all the make-up but her posture is still straight, still strong all the while Mr. Devine is slumped in a chair, head bowed; his big frame looking so, so small and crushed.

“As many of you already know, Josh was a philanthropist,” Mrs. Devine speaks and Niall’s heart pangs; he didn’t know, he didn’t know because he was busy being unfaithful, guilt surges through him hot and white; he squeezes Harry’s hand back, almost desperately. “Did you also know that he spent three weeks of his summer volunteering in Ghana, teaching kids English?”

Josh was perfect. Niall wishes they’d had more time together. He wishes he’d had more time to fall in love with him. he know he would. More than anything, he wishes he hadn’t left him for New York.

"Now, if you'll all adjourn to the shoreline outside... in a few minutes we'll be releasing Josh’s ashes at his favorite spot on the bluff. Thank you," Mrs. Devine says, mustering a small, heartbreaking smile.

The guests begin to stir. Niall’s knees quarks as he stands up and he has to lean into Harry’s taller frame to steady himself.

“Niall? Are you alright?” Harry asks him, holding him up.

Liam, Louis and Zayn all stops up and look at him with worried eyes. They haven’t budged from his side ever since the tragic news was dropped on them, like they are afraid he might break down and never recover; which is a really good possibility of happening soon.

“Yeah, I-“

“Niall? Niall Horan?” Mrs. Devine interrupts having stepped down the podium and overheard Harry.

Niall hearts all but stops and he musters all his strength to look the woman in the eye; into those sad, sad grey-brown that makes the guilt come slamming down on him. The other boys stay behind as the guests fill out the room, though keeping a respectful distance.

“Y-yeah?” He all but squeaks, and is surprised when Mrs. Devine’s features softens and a genuine smile spread across her lips.

“I am so happy to meet you, though I wish it was under different circumstances,” she says and takes Niall’s hand between her bony ones. “All Josh talked about for the last few weeks was you. I almost feel like I already know you.”

“H-he did…” Niall says hoarsely though he isn’t all that surprised. Of course, he did. Josh was completely lost in him.

“I never saw him sound so happy about anyone like he did you,” Mrs. Devine says, squeezing Niall’s hand. “I know it must be very hard on you, but I hope you know, he loved you very much.”