I Wouldn't { A Jariana Fan-Fiction }

You have to cry in order to smile again.

I cried. I cried. I cried. My body shook violently as I replayed this month's events in my head over and over. Apparently, guys aren't supposed to cry. 

I shouldn't have brought her here. Max, that is. This is my fault. I should've left her with her adoptive parents. She would be safe and probably making some hysterical jokes about now. 

In the hopsital, the doctors said that this could have been a suicide attempt. They found various areas scattered about her body with cracked skin, dry blood and burns. In her autopsy they found that she had been drinking the same night and had mixed it with some medicine. 

Maxine was my best friend. Nothing was boring about her. She was absolutely gorgeous, funny and courageous. She never failed to help me crack a smile. Her presence seemed so light. 

Now she's gone and It's truly my fault.

Max was a good person. 

She could be a bit of a sadistic bitch, but she was also fragile. She could be very selfish but she was also very selfless. She could be a bully but she was such a gentle compassionate person. 

"I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Bieber, but the patient, Maxine, passed away the moment we lifted her onto the surgery table. I am so sorry." The doctor had said gently.

He wanted to make things seem as if they would turn up. But would they? I remember Max always saying that you have to cry in order to smile again. 

Bullshit. 

I've cried way too many times to count and yet, a smile is the last thing that has come about. 

Mom wants to go back to California. Away from here. She thinks way too many memories occurred and decided a beginning is a necessity. So she's been packing away the house while I sit up here everyday and cry over the loss of my best friend. 

It's been exactly three weeks since Mom told me we were heading back to California. We had the funeral for Max last Thursday. But funny enough, no tears fell. Just a sadistic smirk. I was feeling shittier than I felt yesterday, the day before then and well everyday lately. Especially since mom reprimanded me to start on Max's room. 

I sighed and began to shuffle inside her room. I just wanted to throw everything out. I didn't need a reminder that I had failed her not once but twice and not only her but her brother. 

I started in the closet and began packing the clothes she had brought and stuffed them in a trash bag. Finally finished with the trashbag, I was about to strip the sheets that smelled of her perfume and body wash when I felt a notebook under the mattress. I pulled it out to see a composition book. I nervously flipped it opened before settling on her bed. 

I flipped to the first page to see she'd begun writing the day we got here. 

May 31

Life is tough. It's a war zone and they're will never be a peace treaty or rather, I can never be killed. We got to Canada today. Just the same as it was a million years ago. I want to end everything here and stop because no one actually cares. But Justin. I can't, not yet. Justin. 

I flipped through the pages before stopping. 

June 30

I realize as I hold Justin's hand. As his pulse is shallow and slow. That I am madly in love with him.

July 6