Not My Man

~Chapter 4~ Final Chapter

It was instilled in me. The self-love, the independence, the confidence, the respect I earned and deserve as a young black woman. But at this moment, I couldn't feel the self-love as I tortured myself with thoughts on why I wasn't good enough. I didn't feel very independent as my heart ached over and over, yearning for the man who had broken it. My confidence more than wavered from every possible angle. And being cheated on repeatedly was not my idea of respect.

That's not even the worse part. I've been like this for weeks. Brooding. Angry. Hurt. And he didn't notice a damn thing. I'd cry over and over. When I bathed, ate, sat, shopped. I couldn't stop. And it only became worse everyday, because I knew that he chose not to notice. It was obvious. He was such a coward. Refusing to take responsibility. Refusing to stop and that's what pissed me off the most. The fact that he didn't stop. I loved that man, apparently a lot more than he loved me. If he would have came to me after getting caught up in lust, if he cared enough to admit it, to walk away from the lane of temptation I would have been fine. It may sound pitiful, but it's the truth. I would have been hurt, but I would have forgiven him in due time and we would rebuild our marriage from the ground up. But he didn't. And he wouldn't.

-Two Weeks Later-

I stared straight ahead, my body stiff, my brain numb. I could feel my eyes began to burn in anticipation for tears, yet they never came, they couldn't. I wouldn't let them. I bit down on my bottom lip as I ran my hand over the large bump over my stomach slowly, the corner of my lip twitching upwards when I felt the small kick against my stomach. It wasn't the usual kick he'd been sending my way lately due to the close birth date, it was soft. It felt as though he was reminding me that he was there. I wrapped my arms around my bump loosely and laid back on the couch, not sure of what else to do.

I was so tired, but I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing, fighting and winning in the battle against my weak body. I tucked my bottom lip under my top row of teeth, my eyebrows pulling together as I asked myself a simple question that I had no answer to.

What now?

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~8 months into pregnancy