Deathwish

one.

Have you ever just been in such a peaceful state of mind and suddenly have it ruined in seconds?

To me, that was the sound of my alarm going off. My eyes fluttered open slowly to see the digital clock resting on my nightstand. 07:15. I rolled my eyes. Why did school have to begin so early? After blinking a couple of times, I decided I needed to get a glass of water and got up slowly from my lying position on the bed, now sitting on my bed. I opened my nightstand drawer and grabbed my morning pills. I counted them - all eight of them - twice and proceeded to walk to the bathroom to fill the glass of water that rested on the bathroom counter. One by one I swallowed the horrendous pills. This was normal for me, unfortunately. Having to take approximately 24 pills a day, was annoying but you know, it's keeping me alive.

Not that I want to be.

After completing my morning routine, I sat in the kitchen, eating my cheerios. My brother Logan - who was my ride to school - had only just gotten into the shower. Boys. Mom still hadn't returned from her double shift, she'd probably only be home at 11, even then she'd be sleeping. Like, I mean, she worked a fucking double. My hand grazed over the little chip on the glass bowl I was eating out of. Kara caused that. I smiled softly, remembering how she dropped the bowl after tripping over one of Logan's shoes just because Harry Potter was on. I miss her like hell. My train of thought was interrupted by a sharp pain in my chest. My hand gripped my shirt as the spoon I was holding fell to the floor, later followed by me. I lay in a crouched position with tears flowing out my eyes. Don't pass out. Don't pass out. I kept repeating to myself.

Over the muffled sound of my cries, Logan ran into the room, luckily clothed. "Lola!" He yelled crouching behind me. "Signal me." I took a deep breath, I mean multiple in an attempt to catch my breath. The pain wore off now. I held up 4 fingers. Logan sighed in relief and kissed my cheek before helping me up. "You good?" Logan asked, pouring me a glass of water.

I nodded my head in response and took the water from him.

What was that? I have an enlarged heart. The doctors all recommend I have a transplant, but not only is it insanely expensive, it's also really hard to get to the top of the list. Besides, the doctors say I still have a lot of time left before I have to really worry, unless complications occur and it gets worse. Emergency patients are always at the top of the list, and girl's who smoke, have a history with alcohol and prescription drugs, are always last.

I had issues. I mean I still do but it's under control now.

Only nine people know. My mom, brother, grandfather, aunt Dehlia, Miles, 3 doctors and my favourite nurse Nancy. I don't necessarily feel like I want to burden them with all this. I also don't want to be pitied. God, I hate being pitied. I just want to live normally. I mean yes, if I could take the heart transplant, I would. The problem is, heart transplants are so tricky, you might not even make it out of the theater. Hell, this is practically a blessing to a suicidal kid. No one even has to know it was suicide. Either way people get what they want.

Logan snapped his fingers in front of my face to bring me back to reality. "I think you should stay home today, I'll ask Miles to bring your homework over after school." He said, packing his shit into his backpack and then grabbing his keys off the kitchen counter. "I love you, call me if you need anything dipshit. Wear the monitor!" He said after placing a kiss on my cheek and walking out the door.

As always, he forgot to close it. Ugh. I slumped toward the front door and leaned against the doorframe, watching my idiot of a brother pull out of the driveway. My eyes directed itself to the house across the street. The house that's all too familiar and not because it's literally across from mine. A frown surfaced on my face when I saw all the cars parked in front of it. Why was his car pulled out of its regular spot in the garage, where it's been for the past year? A dark figure moved the curtains in his old bedroom. Was it possible? I shook my head and shrugged my thoughts off. It's stupid. Slamming the door behind me, I went to my room and attatched my heart monitor on and layed on my bed.

If he was back, then it would be good wouldn't it? He'd have been released. I mean it wasn't even his shit anyways.

But, he still hated me. Cheezus, why is life so stupid?

Only I know what really happened that night. Just me. If only he knew.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Twice. Nobody rings the doorbell in general. I walked down the stairs, holding my heart because of my anxiety was acting up and still hiding the monitor underneath my large hoodie and into the pocket of my shorts. I swung the door open and my jaw dropped. My eyes met with his cold glare. Tattoo's covered almost half of his body, well of what I could see,  and a lip ring on his lower lip. He was dressed in all black. A tight fitted t-shirt paired with black ripped jeans, combat boots and a vintage leather jacket.

My heart started racing, I could feel my heart moniter almost practically losing its shit.

"Lolana." He said with a deep, husky voice. A smirk formed on his face. "Long time no see. How's the guilt treating you?"

I gulped.

"Come on, don't be scared. I won't do anything, yet."

"I'm not scared, Carter." I spat out his name. My heart aching and beating rapidly.

"You better be. I'm back and I'm here to make your life hell. Karma's got a kiss for you." He said before running his thumb across his bottom lip. I looked down, trying to remain calm. "She was my fucking cousin and your fucking best friend."

"I know-"

"-No you don't. You don't fucking know!" His knuckles punched the porch panelling, leaving a dent in the wall. "Best friends don't kill one another."

"I didn't kill her!" I cried.

"You brought her up to that roof that night because you needed a fucking cigarette!" He yelled.

"Don't fucking pretend you didn't smoke either." I yelled, causing sharp pains to pierce through my chest. My eyes were burning with tears. He can't know. My monitor started beeping violently as I started hyperventilating grabbing onto the doorframe for support. I couldn't breathe. "Fuck off, Carter." I said, barely getting the words out.

For a second there I swore a look of worry showed on his face but it immediately turned back into his icy glare. "What's that beeping?"

"The oven." I whispered before slamming the door, locking it and then collapsing on the floor. Watching everything fade to black as I heard the beeping fade away.

A/N
Oh my god guys so new bookkkk eyyyy, I've been wanting to start this for a week now so i hope you enjoy it.

-Rey🌹🍃