My life

I'm a nomad 11-10-17

I'm now in ninth grade and I can't tell if things have gotten easier. Maybe they're just different. There's more work, but it's not necessarily harder. I feel like reality has definitely hit some people, which is good. 

I still have advanced classes and I still do really well in them. What makes me do better this year is the fact that other people don't. I know this sounds terrible, but it feels good when people get what they deserve. I just love walking into school with the feeling that I'm at the top of the "smartness scale" this year. It feels like my hard work is paying off. 

On the other hand, with mom working it has made things ten times worse. All she does is argue with me and she is abnormally self-centered all the time. She thinks I will never understand, but I do. Maybe she will just never understand what I'm going through because I can bet her my problems are a little bit more extensive. I already have learned that people fail you, but now I have experienced this for myself. Maybe God is just doing this so I will turn to him instead of my parents.

I really don't know or care about the social status anymore. It's just so different this year that I can't really focus on it as much as I did. I used to know how everyone acted, their predictable behaviors, and who they were friends with or dating, but I just don't know anymore. I'm so busy with school that I don't have time to pay attention to it as well as everything else in my life. 

I'm always so tired, and not just because I want to be anymore. Every day I come home feeling nauseous and I have really bad headaches. Because of this, it makes me want to sleep and not really eat anything. It has also made me not care as much about anything (my grades, my friends, school, etc.). I usually go through cycles of anxiety and then depression, but lately, I guess it's all just depression. I always want to be happy, but nobody around me is so I end up absorbing their emotions: tired, sad, and frustrated. 

I like Rejoice and I feel comfortable there, but I feel like it's just hurting me. I have great teachers, but some classes and most of the people there are just crippling me. I feel led to go back to Owasso, but I don't want to adjust. With this in mind, I think that since I'm already at Rejoice I should just stay there, but every time I get nostalgia I want to go back to Owasso. It really doesn't help when you see your old best friend from Owasso walking down the sidewalk on your way to school, either. 

Rejoice has good morals and values, but they aren't aware that they aren't even following these values. I feel like they are just making us robots. Robots can't make mistakes, love, or even be social. They aren't human, and that's what God created us to be. I feel that by going there, I'm going against God's word. I'm not joyful and I feel like I'm under the influence to be perfect. 

I guess I'll just see where I end up and have to trust that is where God wants me to go, but maybe that's what he's trying to teach me. I feel like a nomad just going wherever God wants me, but I can't complain. Every stage of life that I've been in has been perfect in every way and it has made me a better person. I have been very blessed to be where I am right now and I just have to trust in God to see where he takes me next.