Shimmer

III.

After getting dressed and gathering all my school supplies, I walked down the stairs and headed for the door. "Audrey."
I turned around. My mom was standing by the stairs looking at me uncertainly. I hadn't spoken to her at all, just avoided her. She didn't cook, so I made my own food. Every once in awhile I'd pass her in the kitchen, but usually Eden made something for her and took it to her room.
"Good luck today."
I nodded, not trusting my mouth if I were to speak. There were not enough words to explain how much I hated this woman.
When I opened the door, Eden was standing outside, hand in midair as if she was about to knock.
"Hello." She said brightly. "Today is the first day of school and I wanted to make sure you were up."
"I'm up." I replied.
With that, she smiled and walked down the stairs and onto the sidewalk. She is going to her school, which is the opposite way from the highschool. I don't think I could handle her trying to walk me to school.
"Audrey!" I heard someone call as I started walking down the sidewalk. I turned and saw Crew running towards me. He slowed down when he neared me. "Walk with me." He said, a command not a question, but I nodded and off we went.
We walked side by side, not touching, and not speaking.
I'd been feeling worse lately. Lonely, empty. I always felt like crying, but tears wouldn't come. I wanted my father, but since he was gone, I wanted no one.
I noticed Crew staring at me. "What?" I asked him.
"Nothing." He replied shyly. I stopped, and he stopped a step ahead of me.
"What? Are you okay?" He asked, facing me.
"I can tell when people are lying."
"Okay..?"
"There was a reason you were staring at me. Nothing isn't one."
His face went red. Really red. "I was just looking. Trying to figure out where you were. In your mind."
I studied his face again. He wasn't lying. So I nodded and we kept walking.
When we got to school, there were many people loitering outside. Most were in groups, some were alone or in pairs.
"Believe it or not, this is the whole student body." Crew said. "Small town."
"Why don't they go inside?" I asked, looking around. There were only about a hundred people, give or take.
"The doors are locked until eight thirty. Then you've got ten minutes to get to class." He shrugs. "It's dumb. They claim we don't have the responsibility to go into the school early. Or maybe they want us to make friends. No one really knows."
I glanced at my phone. It's only eight o'clock.
Crew cleared his throat. "I guess I should go. Unless.."
"Stand with me." I said. He nodded, and we walked over to a nearby tree. It was huge and looked easily climbable.
After a few minute in silence, he said, "So, why'd you move here? With your mom?"
"I had to. My dad is... unable to care for me." I said. I didn't know how long I could dance around the truth, but I was going to try.
"It seems like Elena can't take care of herself. How could she care for you?" His voice was changing. I sensed a bit of anger in it.
"I had no other choice."
"Why, though?" He was growing more and more persistent.
I replayed that night in my mind. The blood spilling between my fingers, the gun, my dad.
My knees gave out and I went down. He reached out but I'd already fallen. He kneeled beside me. "Are you okay? Are you okay?" He kept asking, but the truth is, I wasn't okay. I will never be okay.
A small crowd had formed around me. They were all talking and pointing, and some were videoing me with their phones.
Crew kept telling them to back up, but they didn't. Finally, some tall guy made his way to the front of the crowd and yelled, "Back the hell up!" Immediately, they did. Some even went back to where they were standing before. He kneeled on the other side of me.
I keep replaying my dad's murder in my head over and over and I couldn't speak or think of anything else and it became too much and now my hands are cradling my face and I'm crying. I see Crew's and the other guy's lips moving but I can't hear them.
Next thing I know, I am lifted from the ground. I look up to see that Crew is carrying me, and the other guy is pushing through the people. It must have been eight thirty, because he opened the door and ushered me and Crew inside.
He carried me to the nurse's office, sitting me down in a chair. I was shaking all over, from my hands to my feet.
The nurse was shining a light in my eyes as my hearing came back into focus. "Can you hear me?"
"Yes."
"What happened?" She asked, turning off the light and standing up straight.
"I fell. No big deal."
"No big deal?" The tall guy asked. "She completely zoned out."
"She seems to be suffering from an anxiety attack," the nurse said. "Get her some water and see if that helps."
I went to protest, but Crew had already gone to get the water.
"Thank you, ma'am." The tall guy said.
"Tell me if she has any more trouble." The nurse replied as she went back into her office.
"What happened back there?" The boy asked. I turned to face him. He looked like he knew something I didn't.
"Anxiety attack." I said, although I wasn't sure. I visited a psychiatrist only once, and she said I could have PTSD, but I never went back. He nodded, and he looked as if he knew I could be lying, but he dropped it.
"I'm Tobias, by the way."
"Audrey." I replied. Just then, Crew walked in and handed me a water bottle. "Thanks," I said, taking a drink. "I should get to class." I stood up, and Crew looked at me like I was crazy.
"You could take the day off if you wanted." He said. "If you're not up for it."
"I'm fine." I insisted, but he didn't look convinced.
"I really think--" Crew started.
"If she says she's fine, she's fine." Tobias said, then he faced me. "I can show you your classes."
Crew looked mad. He looked at me expectantly. I didn't know who to support, so I took the easy way out. "I've got it myself. Thanks, though." I quickly left the room, heading the direction of my first class. Since I came here on orientation day, I already knew where my classes were.
I spent the rest of the day spacing out in my classes. These days, I'm never fully there. I don't remember a time when I was.