Did We Have to Do This at the Altar ➳ [OT5 Crack-Shot]

Did We Have to Do This at the Altar {1D Crack-Shot}

"Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sign of God––and in the face of this company––to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore––is not by any––to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly––but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together––let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

Silence. And then . . .

"I object!"

Everyone turns toward the voice. Liam Payne stands, his hand raised. He stares at Zayn. Zayn stares back.

"What the fuck?" is what comes out of Zayn's mouth, but his eyes say 'thank goodness.'

Perrie looks ready to castrate Liam, while Zayn's family looks ready to set him on fire with the power of their joint glares.

"Yes, finally!" someone shouts from the back. It's Louis.

"Pipe the fuck down, Lou!" Harry hisses, trying to push his boyfriend back down into his lap.

The preacher clears his throat. 

"And why, Mr. Payne, do you object?" he asks.

Liam ignores him. He swiftly begins moving past the pews to reach the altar.

"Excuse me––pardon me. Sorry. Oh, were those your keys? My bad, really."

He makes his way down the aisle and up the steps to the altar, appearing at Zayn's side.

"Isn't anyone going to stop him?" Perrie cries, appalled as she looks around at the guests who are equally as shocked as she is. Her question remains unanswered, as the guests have their eyes still fixed on Zayn and Liam.

Liam gets down on one knee and grabs Zayn's hand. Perrie gives a little shriek.

"Zayn . . . babe," says Liam, ignoring Perrie, "I––I . . ."

"Say it, Payno!" This time it's Niall, lounging by the bar.

"Yeah, two for the cause!" Louis hollers, throwing his arms in the air.

"Goddamnit Lou," Harry says. Then underneath his breath, he mutters, "You're definitely not getting any, tonight."

"Zayn," Liam continues, "we've been closeted together for four years now, and I just wanted to say––I love you. I really, fucking love you. And I can't bear to see you married away to this bitch––GOD, I HATE HER. AND GOD, DOES IT FEEL GOOD TO FINALLY SAY IT. I HATE YOU PERRIE. I FUCKING HATE YOU."

Everyone gasps. Perrie slaps her hand to her chest dramatically.

"Yeah . . . well I FUCKING HATE YOU TOO, LIAM. You too Zayn!"  She scoffs, "Anyway, Louis is my favorite.  But since he's gay––a shame, really––I wanted to be his beard, not Eleanor!"

As soon as she says that, her hands fly to her mouth.

Harry pushes Louis off his lap and stands up.

"WHAT THE FUCK, PERRIE. WE WERE GOING TO COME OUT. IT WAS ALL PLANNED. WHAT THE––BULLSHIT––I OUGHTA––"

Louis jumps up.

"Wait, I was your favorite?" he asks, cocking his head to the side.

"Well, this is awkward," Niall mumbles. "You were always my favorite, Perrie. Since the beginning."

"What the fuck––Niall, you aren't gay. You don't need a beard." Liam rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, well––she's hot."

Perrie preens a bit, her anger momentarily subsiding. While the guests are engrossed with all the drama, Zayn lights a cigarette and takes a large puff. The preacher narrows his eyes at him.

"Please don't smoke in the house of God," he says.

Zayn flips him the bird.

"Well, I never!" the preacher sputters indignantly. He drops the Bible in hand and saunters out of the church.

Zayn inhales another puff of smoke before whirling at Liam.

"Do. You. Know. How. Long. I've been waiting to hear you say that?" Zayn says dangerously.

"Uh . . . well . . . I said it now, didn't I?"

Yaser Malik stands up.

"Yes, you did, and Zayn does not care. Because Zayn knows we need grandchildren, so if Zayn decides to disobey me and marry you, then Zayn knows that he will get cut off from the inheritance."

Zayn abruptly throws the cigarette stub to the ground and crushes it with the heel of his Versace shoe.

"Yeah? Well, Zayn also knows that Zayn is already rich and doesn't careeeee––" Zayn breaks off into his high note.

"––what people say when we're togeeeeetherrrrr! Yeah!" Harry slaps Louis' arm giddily. "That's my song, baby!"

"––so shut it, Baba! I can marry whoever the fuck I want," Zayn finishes, before suddenly jumping into Liam's surprised arms and planting a long kiss on his lips.

Applause ripples through the crowd, slow at first, and then deafening. Everyone is standing except for Perrie and Zayn's families.

"Hey," Louis whispers to his fiancé, "wanna make out?"

 Harry throws his arms up in the air.  "Might as well," he grumbles. "The bitch outed us, anyway."

Louis shrugs.  "She's not a bitch for making me her favorite," he says before capturing Harry's mouth in a searing kiss. The people around them gasp and try to move away when it becomes apparent that their 'making out' is taking up the entire row of seats.

"IS EVERYONE IN THIS BAND, GAY?" someone yells from the back.

"I'm not!" Niall yells back. Right then, Perrie decides that she's had enough of Ziam making out in front of her and runs down the aisle toward Niall.

"Babe, you still want me?" she purrs, stopping in front of him.

Niall gives her a once-over before saying, "Hell yeah!" and tipping her over to kiss her.

Since the preacher left, nobody got married, but they all booked first class flight tickets to Las Vegas for the following night. Ten minutes after everyone left for the after party, gossiping to each other that the not-wedding was the "craziest shit they've ever seen," the video of Liam's confession was posted on YouTube. Within ten minutes, there were over 1.2 million views and the band could swear they heard over 20834023984 fangirls' hearts breaking, as they hit the replay button on Ziam making out, over, and over, and over. Niall gained over 10 million twitter followers overnight, as everyone in the fandom suddenly became Niall girls.

And as for the Larry shippers . . . well, they'll be gloating for years to come.

THE END

A/N: Liam's face as Perrie is mentioned bYE