300 Writing Prompts

Untitled Part 5

September 24, 2017

I know She is around me. Or perhaps its Her demons. I have been depressed. I feel like my body does not crave anymore. I am afraid too, to express my feelings to him. I want more but how can I be focused on such a thing when I don't even have my own bed? I am torn, I do not want peoples pity. I want affection. I want to be loved. I want someone that loves weed and jiu jitsu as much as me and an ambition to carry on and make things, create the bad experiences as things that need to be learnt. I am breathing as much as I can. I can get through this. I am close to giving up and throwing in the towel but I know that if I keep searching, wisely, I will find the one for me. Through hard work and through never being sorry for existing.

November 12, 2017

Here I am, rereading my words over and over. My heart is heavy. Shortly after I wrote this, I met a boy. We held hands, we smoked together, we did jiu jitsu together. My lust getting the better of me. I thought if I gave him my attention, he would find something deep in his heart for me. When I met him, I felt my world around me change and I had hope, for myself, for us. His eyes on me, felt like magic. It made my heart ache. Seeing him in class, hearing him talk about everything, his otherworldly soul speaking to mine in a language I've always known without learning. I don't know how but I managed to fuck it all up. I miss him. I was willing to drop my old life just so that I may create a new one with Him. That was a few weeks ago and I still think about it. I have never dreamt about someone so much, except for my Mother. His eyes...oh His eyes...

No man has ever made me feel this way, I feel so lost now. I feel so empty. I wrote that entry and a few short days later I meet the exact person I was looking for. Our adventures together repeating on a loop, daydreaming about His movements, revisiting the spots we were last at together. My heart cannot stop crying. He made me feel so spiritually enlightened. Holding Him felt so right. We went from Him wrapping His arms around me, to not even looking at each other. He knew when I thought about him, and that struck me in such a way. No one has ever said that to me. In the short month of October 2017, I fell in Love, I felt heartbreak, I felt loss. I love too hard and too fast, that has always been my downfall. I wanted Him to teach me like He said He would. I was willing to worship Him as the otherworldly entity that He is. He brought back my need to live, and to better myself, my mental health. No one has ever made me feel like that. I know my mother would've enjoyed Him as I do/did.

One day..one day I will find someone that doesn't want to lose me and I them. I don't want to lose my bufoboi but I know he couldn't care less if I stay or go. If there was one thing I could take back it would be my willingness to please someone and do anything for them. The thing is, I am still willing to please Him, and I want to make Him want me. I feel like a part of Him was scared that I would break His heart. It sounds silly but thats how I really feel. I saw His gentleness, His lust, His desire. He hurt my feelings... and I still want to please Him.

I cannot wait to outlive this feeling and to watch myself grow out of love with Him. These thoughts hurt my soul but I must carry on and let go. I will be more like water and keep going, carving into the rocks leaving marks that will last a life time. I stopped self harming myself physically a long time ago but every day I hurt myself mentally. Every time I see Him I hurt myself with the thought of us being together and making each other happy. For now, maybe I will better myself, for Him, for me. I will save myself, I don't need anyones help. One day my greatest downfall will bring me great joy but for now I wait.