Flawless Fiction

Flying Through Thoughts

Tick. Tick. Tick.

I listened as my watch ticked on, wondering why a little thing makes such an audible noise. After all, what was it hitting? What was making the consistant little 'tick' noise that I heard every second? And why could I still hear it despite the fact that my watch hung on a corkboard on the opposite side of the room? I sighed and rolled from my side to my back, watching as the blades of my ceiling fan whirled around at a consistant pace. Somewhere in my room a piece of paper fluttered to the ground, but I didn't look around to see where. Instead, I let my eyes close and observed the static patterns on the inside of my eyelids. 

My mind drifted to the wonderful time I had just spent with Alyssa. After analyzing everything we did, everything we said, and everything I felt I was certain of one thing, and that one thing was that Alyssa is special. After we had woken up from our little nap, it was 2:00 and both my mother and brother were home. Cautiously, we had walked into my living room. At that point I was unsure of how much my brother knew. He knew I was bisexual--I had come out to him one night while he was teaching me how to skateboard. However, my mother was not aware that he knew. 

"Hey," I said, glancing at my brother as I walked to the kitchen. 

"Hey beautiful,  sleep well?" My mother calls me beautiful sometimes. Yes, it is weird. 

"Yes. How was hockey?" 

"It was fine. So, what time is your friend going home?" My mother made a sideways glance at Spencer, as if hinting that she didn't tell him. 

I smiled. "I'm not sure when my girlfriend is going to go home. Any idea, Alyssa?" 

She shrugged and I grabbed her hand, intertwining it with mine. Walking over towards where my brother was on the couch, I tapped him on the shoulder with my free hand. 

"Yea?" He asked in a bored tone.

"This is my girlfriend, Alyssa," I said, feeling the heat of my mother's glare on my back. 

Just like he does with everyone I date, my brother fist-bumped Alyssa while saying, simply, 'sup?' I enjoyed his lack of enthusiasm--it soothed me. I had a very anti-God family, so dating my gender wasn't a sin in this house. However, both of my parents adored gay people, putting me in the spotlight, which is a place I don't exactly relish being in. 

We spent the rest of the day in my room, where Alyssa tried to help me with my guitar playing skills. Most of the time was spent laughing as I consistantly failed at simple tasks. To be fair, I was distracted--the most gorgeous girl in the world was sitting right in front of me. Also, she kissed me every time I screwed up, so I didn't exactly feel the need to focus too much. Somehow, we both ended up laying on our backs and staring at my ceiling fan. Alyssa's arm was around my shoulders and my hand was resting on her stomach. I felt something I hadn't felt in years--pure bliss.

With a content sigh, I twisted onto my side so that I was facing her. My face was against her neck and, unable to stop myself, I quickly nipped at it and giggled, which made my hot breath cascade onto her skin. She pulled me closer towards her as she turned to her side, facing me. I looked at her gorgeousness through my eyelashes and felt a blush spread across my cheeks. I was unable to stop a huge smile from spreading across my face, so I pulled her closer. 

"Just because I can't see your face doesn't mean I don't know you're smiling," she told me, the grin she was wearing obvious in her tone of voice. 

"Shhhh...no, I'm invisible." She laughed at my silliness and I withdrew from hiding against her. "You, however, are not. You are, in fact, gorgeous." 

The smile that spread across my girlfriend's face was one I hoped I would never forget. It was as if she had forgotten to deny her beauty to herself, for just a second. For only a second, she had wholeheartedly believed that she was gorgeous. That was something I never, ever wanted to forget. 

And even now, sitting here, listening to the tick-tick-tick of my watch, I remembered that smile. I remembered my thoughts that followed it. And I remembered to never forget. Although I hardly ever forget anything involving Alyssa. I think that in my attempt to talk to her constantly, I'm memorizing her. After all, I do remember several things about her; she loves sour patch kids, flowers, sugar cookies, peace tea, PB&J, and my stories. Isn't that normal, though...to memorize the one you are in a relationship with?

I groaned and grabbed a fistful of my sheets, pulling them up over my head. I commonly speculated over whether or not my feelings were normal, and, to be perfectly honest, it pissed me off. Everyone is different, I knew that better than anyone else. However, I always felt as if I was behaving incorrectly in my relationships. There were no rules, and I wasn't quite sure how to handle that. I didn't know when it was appropriate to kiss, or make out, or be sexually intimate. I have a personal rule about when "I love you" is allowed, but I've never followed it. In all truthfulness, I'm a wreck. 

My mind quickly wandered to what Alyssa was doing, as it usually did. I want so badly to know everything she was doing, no matter how mundane it seemed. I longed to read minds, simply so I could focus on her and hear every little thought that she formulated in hers. She was brilliant, whether she knew it or not. With every poem she wrote came a wave of new creativity that I was not prepared for, despite the fact that I've heard so many of her poems.

She was inventive, interesting, always finding new words to slip into beautiful poems and create such an image that even the greatest painter could not capture. She was a promise for new beginnings, and a threat for a bittersweet ending. She was a faint sparkle, found on a piece of clothing...a shirt, perhaps. No one could be certain where she came from, but her occasional reappearance brought a smile to their faces for reasons they could never understand. Except there were a few who did not enjoy her odd perfection the way they should, and rather than letting her be they examined the shirt to find her, to brush her away, leaving her abandoned. She was left on a floorboard, lost and alone and invisible to those who were so self absorbed that they did not see the beauty in her complex simplicity. And, she felt worthless simply because they were so blind. 

I let out a deep breath and wondered why Alyssa did not notice her perfection. She denied it time and time again, and part of me felt as if she could be hiding something from me. After all, everyone learns to hide what is wrong with them, in order to feel accepted. But would Alyssa, my Alyssa, really hide anything from me? I felt a pain in my chest as I thought back to all the times I'd been lied to and made a fool of. Alyssa was different though! If there was anything about her I didn't know, surely it was only because we had just begun our relationship. Of course that was it. You wouldn't disclose everything about yourself to someone you didn't fully trust. Despite how bad I wished Alyssa trusted me, I knew it was an unreasonable expectation for such a young relationship. I had to give her time, and she deserved that time. 

I wouldn't allow myself to think about her secrets any longer. That was her business, and I was rude for wanting to intrude on it. Throwing my sheets off of myself (in a more dramatic way than necessary), I headed to my kitchen and popped in one of my father's prescription pills. I wasn't supposed to be taking them really, but they knocked me out faster than mine did. Stumbling back to my room, I collapsed onto my bed and let myself drift into a peaceful sleep. I was free from thought...for now.