Memories (ForthBeam fanfic)

Chapter 30 - Not The Fairytale Life I Dreamed

Beam's POV

Forth is not good at lying. He can keep secrets, yes, lifetimes worth of secrets. But he can never lie. Most especially not to me.

He has never held something from me before. He has always told me everything he knows about us, about our pasts, and our other lives. But right now, I can feel something off. He keeps dodging my questions. I don't know if he ever planned to tell me about us being Ming and Kit. If he did, he would have already.

I can't shake off the feeling that he's holding something from me, something he doesn't want me to know, or remember. Whatever it is, I can only assume that there is a reason. A good reason.

The past never really mattered to me that much, not that I abhor my knowledge of it or the fact that I have lived other lives before. I only prefer to live in the present and enjoy life as it unfolds right in front of me. Tee, Wayo and Kit are me -- they were me. But they are long gone. I am who I am now, partly because of them, I admit, but I can't live my life doing what they would do, or making choices based on their decisions.

Everything that they experienced in their lifetimes were partly reasons to who I am today, I am thankful for that, yet I don't want to be dependent of and from them. I am me, and I choose to be me.

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He told me bits and pieces, mostly about me suffering under the hands of his jealous brother, and the time he took flight leaving me behind. I sensed a great deal of guilt in his voice as he told me that story, he even shed a tear or two.

It was a hard decision that he made. One that he thought would serve me better, though I can't help but hate him – Ming – for doing that. Knowing Forth, Phana and Tae, I at least expected Ming not to leave me – Kit – in that dreadful circumstance.

I know he had reasons, I understood more than he thinks I do. I understood more than what he told me, he was afraid the same tragedy would befall us as what happened to Tae and Tee, but still, he should have at least left me in a better condition than that. Nothing I can do now. Nothing he can do now.

The turn of events were scarily mirroring Tae and Tee however, and I can understand Ming's lapse of judgment, even if I hate him for it. As far as I remember and know from Forth's retelling and the dreams, Ming and Kit were eerily dancing the same steps of disaster as Tae and Tee, albeit to a newer music.

Tee was betrothed to Tae's cousin and Ming was the brother of Kit's fann. The two were both possessive and aggressive people, the cousin was wronged and humiliated when Tae decided to take Tee for himself and Tee happily went along. The brother was jealous, even before Kit, he was already wary and envious of his brother Ming -- the favorite, the good son -- and everything went hell when Kit wind up in their life. Unwittingly, Ming took Kit from his brother.

It was never the same since then.

Even now, I can feel Forth's guilt eating him up. He was guilty of betrayal, and still carry the weight of Tae's treachery and Ming's imposition. I feel guilty and sorry about it too, in a way I was the reason behind all of it. Tee was the object of Tae's transgression and Kit was the reason why Ming was hated by his brother. Destiny? History repeating itself? Or is it karma?

I can only hope that this never happen again. Not in my lifetime so far as possible. I don't know how I'd live if we were to be subjected to the same fate again. I can only take comfort at the fact that Forth has no living relative, there's no brother or cousin that would tear us apart.

Cousin. That's a rather upsetting coincidence, we do have another 'cousin' to think about. Although he is on my side of the family and not with Forth's. The family who wishes I'm not in any way related to him. I don't really understand the source of his hatred towards me.