Crazy For You ∆Under Construction∆

22. Worthy

I am gently brought out of a dreamless sleep by a gentle swaying motion, my eyes just ease open like I've gotten enough sleep for once in my life. I find my head in Jay's lap, his head hanging back as he seems to stare at the ceiling and now I am still awed by his striking features even with the scars mutated eyes and skin, he is still the most gorgeous creature I have ever laid eyes upon.

At that thought a flash of guilt hits me as I remember that I used to think that about Warrick too and something feels wrong about feeling that way for someone else when he's gone. Warrick of course was beautiful in a way completely opposite to Jay, he was born like some sort of Greek God pure and golden where as Jay was more like the love child of a God and mortal. They were on two every opposite sides of the spectrum of things, one pure the other corrupt but each of them held a place in my heart.

To be honest Jay helped me to fill that void, making the ache and guilt of killing what I loved disappear when he was near. With him I didn't have to fear destroying him, we were two powerful forces that tore each other apart only to make room for us to become one agent of chaos. We were the danger not me, I didn't have to worry about my mistakes because he made them too and that was the one certainty I never had with with my step brother. Before the fire I was always the one dragging him into trouble but never able to embrace it on his own, that was his one flaw. Now I see there is no such thing as perfect, there will be some bad with the good I just wish I figured that out a long time ago because a lot more people would be alive today. But that's not what happened, what happened was I fncked up and I can never take back what I did.

"It's not polite to stare, doll." He smirks without ever taking his eyes off the ceiling and interrupts my thoughts.

Was that what I was doing? I didn't even realize it as my mind went down memory lane, so I guess my eyes were on him during my entire zone out.

"That never stopped you."

Jay chuckles deeply, bringing his up to look down at me. "True, but daddy's allowed to stare at you all he wants."

" and I'm not? " I question with playful annoyance.

"Oh, you can just be careful how you look at me cause I can't be held accountable for what I do next. "Jay winks, pulling out a cigarette.

I giggle, pulling my head off his lap just so I can press my head to his warm chest and listen to the rhythm of his heart that I hoped beat for me and only me. I don't even remember what happened in the alley, I don't even know how I got back here in Jay's yacht that I recognize from my first visit. Glancing down at what I originally thought to be a fur rug turns out to be his hyenas, dozing peacefully at our feet. it almost feels domestic I could get used to this.

Listening to Jay flick his lighter so to light his cigarette my mind wanders back to three moments from my memory. Him bludgeoning the guard who struck me, Jay scooping me off the floor rather than leaving me behind, and the second time he turned himself around to save me from an unpleasant fate when The Batman almost took me despite danger to himself. I find myself questioning his motives, Don t get me wrong his actions made my heart swell with warmth from the thought of being wanted and loved but I never really believed he ever would. He always complained about how annoying I am, what a pain in the ass I am, that I'm hard headed and hard to get along with. After a while I started to believe him, I finally embraced the idea that I would always be a burden to every one I love and that anyone would cut ties with me at the first opportunity. He had opportunity, three to be precise but he passed them all up. Why?