the Alienbutt Saga

THE ALIENBUTT SAGA. The war of the coffee bean.

The bit before the introduction, the thingywhatsitcalled.

It had been said on many worlds that Fate was a fickle sod, and to a degree this was right. A more accurate statement would have been that Fate had a short attention span and was often distracted by other events so that Destiny had his work cut out covering up for his sisters little mess ups. Destiny didn't mind too much as Fate was fun to hang out with, for the straight laced Destiny she was the rebellious younger sibling that you just had to love. 

Every few thousand years Fate and Destiny had to get together and work out the future so the rest of the family such as Hope, Dreams and Fashion had a plan to work towards. Destiny loved these working lunches as Fate would take him into the real universe and show him how the mortals lived. For a few hours he got to see real life. This time Fate was taking him to something called a Viking Mead Festival on a strange little planet called Earth so they could try the main pass time of the primitive people there of drinking, while the two of them planned the next two thousand years or so of the future. Destiny thought it sounded like a good idea as it seemed many important people had drinks at important business lunches the universe over. Being creatures that lived outside the normal rules of space and time they could visit any world and past event that had happened on that world, only the future was off limits as that hadn't happened yet. Fate tended to enjoy visiting this planet of little use known as Earth by the developed monkeys that lived there as they tended to have the best parties. So for their working lunch they were to be the guests of Thane Torbjorn the Troll killer in the Norse lands of Scandinavia. 

Now he knew better, drink was bad. It made you do strange things like dance on tables and sing lewd songs about what a She-troll keeps under her thong. He had just read the script they had wrote and couldn't believe it. Fate still lay sleeping off the drink while Destiny nursed what he had discovered was known as a hangover. He removed a conical helmet from his head that had two polished horns attached, Torbjorn had showed him how to unscrew the horns so you would never be without a drinking horn even in the middle of a battle, which seemed to be the second favourite pass time of these people. Torbjorn had proved to be a great host and helped as they had planned the future adding some great battle ideas but the giant serpent who destroyed worlds had been scrapped, but only as they couldn't work them into the story. 

Two apposing prophecies had already been sent out, the future was written and set in motion. They would never hear the last of this, the others would bring it up at every get together over the next, well forever really. They had turned the golden age of universal peace and unity into a drug crazed drunken war zone. 

But the worst thing he realised as he had reread the script this morning was they had missed someone out of the future, he had no fate or destiny written, he was a nexus that would twist their drunken planning and reform the future into unplanned chaos. Destiny could only hope he lived out a simple life and died young so no one noticed or all their drunken planning would go right out the window. Then again he was only one being out of hundreds of thousands of billions that they had remembered to add, what harm could he do? Just in case he sent out a consciousness to the prophecies so they would only reveal things at the correct time and he could rewrite them and repair any damage the nexus may cause so they would still make sense. It would mean a lot of extra work doing rewrites for him but what else could he do? He just hoped the rest of the family didn't find out about this nexus or they would be bound to interfere just to tweak his nose and laugh at him even more. Chance and Dream were his biggest concern as they would love the chance to get him into trouble with the Boss so they could take over his job of sorting out the future.  

With a shrug Destiny picked up the half drunk jug of mead, too late to worry now, it was all in the lap of the mortals. This habit of drinking may be bad but he was quite enjoying it and Thane Torbjorn had invited him back for another party that night. He looked down at his sombre black cassock and wondered if he should try something a little more colourful for the party. He dismissed going to Fashion for advice on what to wear as he still hadn't lived down the time he had agreed to let Fashion do a make-over on him and ended up in bright red boots and gem encrusted cod-piece. They hadn't spoke for eons afterwards and he knew his strange little brother was still upset at the things he had said to him as he had burnt the outfit before even letting the rest of the family see it.

Introduction.

Roswell didn't lead to the first official contact with alien life, that had happened about ten years before and the most interesting facts about Roswell never even registered in the little green men theories that sprang up surrounding the crash. Those cute little aliens pictures leaked out were indeed not real, they were fakes made up to hide the identity of the real passengers in the ship. Roswell was nothing more than a car crash, admittedly the car was flying and could travel through space. It was just that it crashed in a place where it shouldn't have been and it caused a bit of an interstella incident. Another little fact you wouldn't know about the flying car was it had a little sign on it that could be turned on, when you did, that sign read "for hire." The passengers were transferred quickly to another interstellar taxi and the they left earth after a weekend break to what was becoming the hottest new holiday destination in the universe, Area 51, playground to the mega rich and interstellar famous. Only here could they play pranks on a semi intelligent species that still thought itself alone in the universe, or go all rustic and hire a human body suit to live the simple life of a 20th century human. 

The driver of the taxi was never seen or mentioned in any of the theories about little green men and even though he survived the crash without a scratch his family never saw him again .He was arrested at the crash site by the interstellar police and his defence that "That bloody hill just jumped out on me" didn't work. Bigrip Alienbutt got sixty years for dangerous driving and his family were left destitute by the compensation claim made by his passenger's for personal injuries sustained. 

So Mrs Alienbutt and her young hatchling Piestoff were evicted from their suburban home on the planet MZ32 and re-housed halfway across the universe in social housing on the planet Sloppystool. Moving from a planet with a number (the higher the number the better the planet) to one with a name (a burnt out rock not even worth turning into a garbage dump so not worth a number) didn't just ruin your life, it often ended it. 

Only the toughest creatures could survive for long in social housing. The crime rate was low, as you didn't survive to report a crime and the local police were two solar systems away and only did a very fast fly past every month or so. The Alienbutts were not tough, but what they were was naturally gifted. On their home world good food had always been in short supply so they had evolved a complex digestive system which aloud them to digest any food available. This wasn't a problem until an Alienbutt started to eat rich and spicy food when the fact that this system ended in four arseholes gave them a natural defence system that could take out an angry mob in under a minute at over five hundred feet distance. Alienbutts spent many years learning how to control their gas release and a skilled Alienbutt could use his gas as a weapon to match any known martial art in the universe. Not being brought up in an Alienbutt community Piestoff tended to be more a random nuclear explosion than anything like a precise weapon that could split hairs. 

Piestoff's mum was no help to the young hatchling, losing her social standing when her husband was sent to prison and then been moved to Sloppystool had left her a broken shell of her former socialite self. Piestoff mainly brought himself up, teaming up with a human street urchin known as the Nifty Niffler. Looking out for each other and with the help of Nifty's psychotic cat they managed to survive the rough streets. 

One thing kept Piestoff going during those early years, his uncle Stinky owned a taxi firm on the planet TW50.After his mum died when they had been on the planet for twenty years Piestoff sneaked aboard a supply ship with his only friend he had ever known, the Nifty Niffler and her cat Mr Fluffy. Finally free of the slums of Sloppystool the universe awaited him.

But the wait was a long one, soon caught by the crew of the ship Piestoff and Nifty (as well as Mr Fluffy) were put under arrest and placed in suspended animation. One week out from Sloppystool the ship mysteriously disappeared for six hundred years. When it was found only three survivors remained, the story made big news on earth, it turned out Nifty and her cat had been abducted by unknown alien genetic scientists from late twentieth century earth. Deported from Sloppystool for having no valid immigration papers she returned to earth a celebrity. Now not only was she the oldest living human, but also the genetic experiments done to her had given her super human reflexes and strength. Those same experiments on Mr Fluffy had made a super intelligent cat that plotted to reclaim its universe that rightfully belonged to him. Lucky for the universe he was still in a cat's body and his paws couldn't work the technology needed for him to achieve his aims. His murderous psychotic tendencies were only held in check to protect his favourite belonging Nifty, Piestoff he didn't much care for as he smelled bad. So Mr Fluffy plotted in secret hiding his intelligence from all, just waiting for his chance to strike and claim the universe for himself.