the Alienbutt Saga

The Alienbutt Saga chapter 5

Chapter 5

Bum-plug safety off

INTERSTELLA NEWS CHANNEL 9. NEWS FLASH.

The Coffee Houses today announced the first five of it's new coffee production planets had come on line and with the new security measures in place it expected delivery through the official Federation Coffee Distribution Program to increase by twenty percent over the next several months bringing production close to pre rationing levels.

Wickede sat in his office trying to concentrate on the reports in front of him, failing he stood and walked over to the drinks locker to pour himself a large drink. He picked up a bottle of whiskey, then put it back down and returned to the computer screen. Still no word from Piestoff, and the Ick fleet would set off in under an hour, a day early in case Piestoff had been captured and forced to reveal their plans. They had received his report on the enemy fleet lying in wait and the intelligence that the main base was where they thought but then nothing. The door opened and Snoodgrass and Blackarachnia walked in, both looked as worried as Wickede over the lack of contact from Piestoff. Wickede was thankful that Nifty was not aboard his ship but had heard about her reaction to Piestoff not sending back his now overdue report. He looked over at Blackarachnia and the black eye he now sported.

"We need to order the fleet to prepare to move Wickede." Snoodgrass said quietly, Wickede slumped into his chair but nodded and reached out to press a button on the table, opening communication with the bridge.

"Mr Hollandaise, order the fleet to stand by to deploy." He released the button and looked at Blackarachnia. "We hold to the original plan, just move the timetable up by a day, unless we get a fix on Alienbutt then the top priority is rescue. He's resourceful but more importantly he is cursed by Lady Luck at her most nasty so she will look after him with that evil sense of humour that has typified his life so far."

" She does love to torture him so she's bound to keep him safe if only to continue the fun she's having" Replied a grinning Blackarachnia. Despite them trying to make light of the fact he was late sending his expected report all three were worried and Nifty was unapproachable unless you wanted to rick personal injury, even Mr Fluffy was keeping out of her way.

Piestoff cursed the handling of the trading ship, it was like trying to fly a brick through mud while the enemy cruiser continued to batter down his shields. He was used to flying the nimble fighters or even his old taxi cab, they were fast and you could spin them on a credit coin while the trader needed a written invitation to change direction. The cruiser had jumped out of light speed and fired on him before he knew it was there, knocking out his light-speed drive. He had been trying to lose the ship for a couple of hours now, desperately trying anything he could come up with to lose the pursuit but his ship was now heavily damaged and he was struggling to fly it. He knew it was a matter of minutes before they got a tractor beam lock on him and he would be dragged in. Poodles yelped as another computer exploded in a shower of sparks and Piestoff lost lateral controls, now he was a sitting duck waiting to be plucked. He felt the ship jerk as the tractor beam locked on, he quickly reached over and started the auto wipe on the onboard computer to remove all traces of stored data. While he was waiting he started a bottle of whiskey, when he saw the message "wipe complete" he stood up and went to the weapons locker and removed two hand blasters, putting them in their holsters he strapped the belt on. Looking at the view screen he saw he was half way to the enemy cruiser, about five minutes he judged. Quickly he put two extra chilli kebabs in the microwave on fast reheat, drank a bottle of chilli sauce and washed that down with a bottle of whisky to steady his nerves. Taking out the kebabs he wolfed them down, leaving the chilli sauce smeared and dripping from his chin. Poodles looked at him with disgust then started panting, his tongue sticking out, Piestoff wiped the back of his hand across his mouth then licked his lips to remove the last of the sauce. He looked at the view screen again and saw the enemy cruiser filled the view and the landing bay doors loomed ever closer. Downing a second bottle of whiskey as his nerves were still sending messages to his brain he grabbed a AK5000 assault rifle then finally as he felt the ship clang onto the landing bay floor he released the safety catch on his butt-plugs just has he felt the first bubbles in his stomach. With the butt-plugs set to allow uninhibited gas escape from all four of his butt-holes he felt better knowing the kebabs and chilli he had just had would work very quickly. Looking at the view screen a final time he saw armed men swarming all around his ship.