When will it get better? I'll never understand.
We were so close. We pretended to hate each other and I took every single instance you said I love you in for granted because you never say it anymore. I'm left sitting there, wondering,
What did I do wrong?
Did I say something wrong?
Is he hurting?
Can I help him?
For, you see, I may not show it but I love you, so much. You make me laugh and make me happy and honestly those times where you know I'm in a bad mood so you lay with me in bed while we watch silly videos together make me smile. Not because of the videos, but because of you.
You're there.
But then you aren't anymore.
Sparing glances, seeing you in the kitchen before you're gone again downstairs to talk to your friends and play video games and leave me to ache and sob and wonder if I was just a bad sister.
There's so much pride in being able to say that I'm your little sister - that you're my big brother.
But I wonder... are you proud to be my older brother?
We've had our moments.
I hid from you once because I had a panic attack and thought you would yell at me and hit me like you did that once (We were both in the wrong in that second. I apologize.) and I just couldn't bring myself to come out of the basement at dad's.
God, that was so long ago now wasn't it? That was before mom and dad split. Before we had our kittens. Before I was older, before I could play guitar.
Before I questioned if you loved me at all.
I wish you would hug me at least once again. I don't remember what your hug feels like but all I know is that it makes me melt and make me feel safe for once in my life. I wish I could have that back. I wish I could see your face and see you laugh and smile and I wish that I wasn't so scared of you at times...
I love you, so much, and it scares me.
I don't like mom.
I don't like dad.
But you're amazing. You protect me. Help me when you can. You came and watched silly videos with me the night mom told you I cut.
So I guess they're right.
The first one to break your heart had better watch their back.
Sincerely, Truly, and Always,
Your loving little sister.
