Stay Wild

Reliving a Nightmare

Upon entering the mall, I felt at home. Shopping was something I could do for hours on end, and it served as a great distraction. Sawyer and I looked around a few stores, before she dragged me into American Eagle. She instantly rushed over to a pile of folded shirts. She held up a purple and white t-shirt, gently stroking the fabric and admiring its texture. "I loveee this."

"Yeah that's cute. You should totally try it on."
"I think I'm going to look around a bit, you should, too."
She said motioning to a pair of ripped jeans piled on a nearby shelf.
"I know how much you love this store."

Sawyer knew me too well.

While Sawyer went to look at a crop top on a hanger, I went straight for the jeans.
American Eagle jeans truly had a special place in my heart. By no means did I need another pair. But it certainly wouldn't hurt to look.

It was much better than thinking about him.

Sawyer ended up buying a pair of ripped black jeans, along with the tie-dye shirt, and a white of-the-shoulder top.
I bought a cute flannel and obviously a pair of distressed light wash jeans.

"Well I'm pretty sure my debit card is crying after that," Sawyer said chuckling.

"Oh well. We're gonna look hella fine for this party."

"Oh hell yeah we are", she said with a hair flip.
"The boys won't know what hit 'em."
For a second my smile faltered, and a pang of sadness hit me.

Sawyer seemed to notice this, casting me a sympathetic smile.
"Too soon? Sorry", she said apologetically.

"Don't be sorry, I need to move on."
She just nodded in reply before we began walking out of the store.

I hated how any mention of dating or boys made me think of him.
He sure as hell didn't deserve to be in my thoughts. I wished I could erase any memory of him, that would make everything so much easier. Unfortunately, that was impossible.

"Let's go in Bath and Body Works, that'll cheer you up. Look, they even have a sale on candles!" Sawyer exclaimed, enthusiastically as possible, tugging my hand into the aroma-filled store.

I ended up buying way too many lotions and candles.

"Ugh, I bought way too much, call me a lotion addict now", I joked.

"Retail therapy is always helpful", she said with a laugh.

"Very true."

"Now what? We've hit all the good stores, unless you want to hit Calendar Club?" She suggested sarcastically.

"That's fine, I'll pass. Let's grab a bite to eat."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Chinese."

"Sounds good."

We got our food, chatted, and walked around the mall for another half an hour, before leaving.

~

That night, I laid in bed listening to music for a while. I thought of last night, how utterly restless I was. My mind drifted to him, but only for a second. I wouldn't allow myself to wallow in melancholy and self pity.

I was better in this, and I deserved sleep.

I fucking needed it.

~

I was in a dark room, and I was laying on a couch, covered by a thin blanket. The room was icy cold, and I was shivering uncontrollably. I pulled the blanket to my chin, attempting to bask in any hint of warmth I could find, but to no avail.

For what felt like countless hours, I lay there, soundless and completely undisturbed. Until suddenly, the sound of footsteps echoed throughout the dark room. I saw a figure descend the stair case, and I realized where I was-Nolan's grandparents house, in the basement. We used to go there a lot during the summer. His grandma was a very kind lady and she absolutely adored me, she was also inviting me over for supper whenever he visited her, which was reasonably often. His house was a 25 minute drive from where I lived, and his grandparents house was much closer, so we naturally spent a lot of time there.

And yes, Nolan was my ex boyfriend.

The figure seemed to be watching me, and was standing quietly at the bottom of the stairs. It began striding towards me. The figure sat on the couch beside me and I instantly realized who it was, I was staring into the eyes of Nolan. 
For some reason I wasn't hurt or angry, I was relieved to see him. He leaned close and spoke to me gently.
"My grandparents are awake, we should go somewhere more private."

Oh no, no, no, NO! Absolutely not!

Although my conscious told me otherwise, I passively agreed and nodded in response. He grabbed my hand and led me to an old bedroom with outdated decor that smelled of old books.

I sat down on my bed and he pressed my body against it, climbing on top of me, his lips exploring my neck and finding their way to my mouth. He stopped and breathed heavily in my ear, "you're so perfect", He whispered. His hands traveled throughout my body.

I was frozen. I didn't move or respond. "I have to go", I said in a tone so soft it was barely a whisper.

"What?" His deep olive-green eyes widened and a confused look appeared on his face. "Don't go", He said firmly, and he began kissing my neck again.

"T-this isn't right", I said attempting to push him off. But I was too weak, too frail. My arms felt like noodles, he resisted me easily.

He ignored me, too caught up in the moment to acknowledge my efforts to stop him.

"I-I should go", I stammered, trying to get up, but he placed a hand on my chest and pinned me downward again.

"But I'm not finished with you yet", he said, a devilish grin plastered on his face.

He began to undress me, which is when I reached my breaking point. He couldn't force me to have sex with him, I wasn't going to be used by him anymore. I was done playing games.

Regaining my strength, I forcefully shoved him off me.

"What the fuck?!"

"I don't want to have sex, Nolan. Not today, not ever. I'm not an object, I'm a human being, I have feelings, you know", I yelled, beginning to tear up.

He just stared at me, not knowing what to say.

Putting my shirt back on and zipping up my jeans, I furiously stormed out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. Nolan swiftly followed, a distressed look on his face.

He grabbed my arm, "Chandler, just wait holy-" before he got a chance to finish I slapped him across the cheek, completely silencing him.

"Don't touch me", I spat, seething with indignation. Ripping my hand from his grasp, I rushed upstairs, running out the front door before he had a chance to chase after me.

I speed-walked to my car, when I heard the door swing open behind me, and Nolan's voice called my name. Not having any of it, I turned towards him, glared him, looking directly into the asshole's eyes before screaming, "Just fuck off, ok?"

Stunned, he stopped dead in his tracks, casting me a resentful look, before going back inside and slamming the door shut.

I fled to my car, and drove a little ways down the street, before absolutely breaking down. For what felt like forever, I just sat there and sobbed.

That's when I woke up.

My face was stained with tears, I was breathing quickly, heavily. Luckily, it was all just a nightmare, or was it? It felt so extremely real, almost like a fragment of my past, making an unexpected re-appearance in dream form. So much had happened lately that I couldn't recognize the difference between make-believe and reality, or between the past and the present.

When I finally managed to calm myself down, I got up and fetched a glass of water. Took a sip, before going back to bed, and drifting off into a deep, peaceful slumber.

~