December 16, 2015
I woke up and yesterday feels like a dream, a nightmare. A nightmare I cant wake out of. I wish time had been suspended. Just so I could hear your voice again; your laugh still echoes in my mind as so do your tears. I just wish I could rewind back to the time where all was well. Without you, it hurts like hell. You left, and I failed to stop you. You were my light, all I ever wanted and I fucked it up. I miss you, I really do miss you its like a part of me has gone and will never come back, that I cant retrieve. I can never be the same never be whole again. I'm aching, hurting without you, without my better half. The one who made me a better person. I ran towards you not knowing where you actually were I just knew. It was all my fault I should've been me not you.
10:52 p.m.
I saw your body laying, dying on that hospital bed. by the time it was 2 a.m. I was sleeping holding your hand when a familiar voice spoke in a voice as tired as mine, it was Jay's.
"You should go home Max, We'll call you if she wakes up or anything happens" he said in a calming voice. Jay always knew what to say, and understood me better than anyone ever could, that's one of the reasons he's my best friend.
December 17, 2015
It's not fair, it's simply not. Its not fair that I'm not given the chance to be with you and you're going to be taken away from me. I hate this. I hate timing. It really sucks. I'm not allowed to have you and here I am still looking at your live less body thinking, you were the best thing that ever happened in my life. It kills me that I can't have you anymore and its all my fault. Hannah you deserved better and yet you thought I was the best, look at you now because of me you're laying in a coffin way before your time and I'm sorry. I'd do anything to have you here; to have you still in my life. Sometimes I think we could have had it all. If I hadn't been so stubborn, if I had listened to you... I wouldn't have thrown it away. I would have still had you and only you. We could have still be the couple everyone envied. We would've have everything we ever wanted. Truth be told all I ever wanted was you, and I both had you and lost you. You were my support and motivation. And yet you slipped away. I cant explain what I ever saw in you; I guess it was just the way you took me to a place no one else ever could. I still remember every word you ever told me. I can't stop thinking about them.
somewhere in 2016...
"It's been months Max, you have to AT least get out of this god forsaking house"
"Why should I?"
"Why should you? It's been months Max MONTHS you have to fucking get over yourself. She's dead GET. OVER. IT. She isn't coming back why? Cause she's dead and YOU killed her! YOU FUCKING KILLED HER cause you only ever thought of yourself never of her you drove her to it all you ever do is fuck shit up."
"LIES!"
"Oh really? Who decided to have an affair with his BOSS'S WIFE and yelled at his so called lover that he didn't need her? Oh yeah it was you."
"shut up Jayson."
"Why should I?"
"I can't take it anymore okay? I keep replaying it all in my head over and over I wish I had her just this once in my arms so that I could tell her how sorry I am and that she deserved better than what she got. I miss her Jayson I really do and I fucking know it was my fault and trust me I live with the pain of it every single day"
"Bro..."
"I'm sorry Jay I-"
"Nah, ma dude I'm the one who should apologize I was being insensitive"
"I just wish she were here that's all"
And for the first time in 8 months I went outside with only one thing on my mind...
You.
