The Heart And The Mind

i n s e c u r i t i e s

waking up was hard enough

with the alarm of a song i don't even know that's gotten too irritating that i shut it off without thinking of the time

standing up and wishing that i could lay back down and return to the dream world that i created for myself in which i need no justification for why i am the way i am

sitting down in front of the make up mirror and feeling the need to quickly cover the girl i see so nobody will see her

stopping mid-way through the process wondering if people saw me the way i saw myself

with pale skin and an unflattering chubby face

finishing the make up, looking in the mirror with my fake face and still wishing i could do better

stripping out of my smelly pajamas and mistakenly taking a moment to analyze my body in the mirror

attempting to suck in my gut because none of my friends have one, meanwhile noticing the fact that my thighs jiggle even when i walk

spotting the lighting bolts that plague my arms and sides and thighs and knees and wondering if i put make up on them too maybe that will make me beautiful

trying to squeeze into those skinny jeans because that's what everyone's wearing but i  got three sizes too small because if my friends knew the size i actually wore i think i'd die

 and finally getting on that tight outfit that will probably be too revealing because lord knows that my body, the body i struggle enough with every single day, is a distraction and should not be paraded around like the work of art that it actually is

getting to school and biting my lips raw at the thought of talking to my peers, saying something wrong or stupid, overthinking the way they look at me in the hallway, pondering if tomorrow i should wear a cuter outfit to please their unfathomably high expectations

and what a thing 

to be afraid even talking to my friends who gossip and brag and cry and lie

the ones who talk about only themselves and the boys they've been kissing and complaining about the size of their breasts

i don't even remember the last time one of them asked me how my day was

maybe that's just as well

because i don't know how i would explain to them that i would be happier if i could accept my body, if i didn't feel the need to try so hard for their approval, if i didn't fear every person's words as if their tongues are silver blades that slice clean through me whenever they speak

i promise i do my best, i try to the point where i'm weak

and the only thing that holds me together is the fact that

there are people who already love me for who i am and what i look like and one day i will too

so no matter how i feel now, i know i'll make it through

oh, i swear on everything i love

i will love myself too