drifting from reality// phan

chapter.1

dan. he doesn't have a true place to go home to. his "house" is back with his "dad" who cant keep a stable job and is an alcoholic. who hits his son but his son never tells because if he did no one would believe him and he knows that once he got in the cps system he'd never get out of. he wishes his mom was still around.

he is 15 and has milk chocolate brown curly hair that falls perfectly into a fringe after a hour of straightening. he has dark brown eyes that compliment his hair and his pale skin. but despite being as perfect as he looks on the outside, he isn't that way on the inside. along with the long list of mental disorders he acquired along the span of his life up until now, he has a couple of eating disorders too. he has overly long sized limbs, too big for his body. he is very lengthy but only sees himself as fat and imperfect.

******

cold. the only sensation i feel when i wake up from the floor of my "room". its basically the size of a full size bed, but only one room. now that's the biggest room i have ever had. last night my dad got pissed off at me because i forgot to turn off the bathroom light upstairs so he took out the small air mattress out of the room i sleep in as a punishment. hes a real cheapskate. my back is aching from the cement floor. the floor is freezing because my dad won't spend money to turn on the heater but has enough to by beer. funny how that works.

i notice the bruise protruding to my eyes on the side of my rib cage from last week when i got rammed into the lockers at school. have you ever had to endure the pain of being slammed into a locker repeatedly, each time harder then the last until you admitted you were a freakish spazz? its not fun. i touch the side of my rib cage and feels just the same as when it first happened. its weird how a certain feeling can trigger a specific memory.

i walk through the school, slowly creeping my way through the sea of late people. most of the kids aren't that scary though that show up late. a lot of them are like me so i don't need to be worried about derek or jeremy, the schools biggest jackasses. they always have a tag team of insults ready to fire at you at any slight movement you make towards them. but if you are cautious with your words and let the words stand still, they don't notice you. they only pick on those who say dumb things or look like easy prey to them.

i shove all of my books in my locker but take out the ones i need for my next class. i walk into class a little late and my palms are sweaty. i try to cover my arms as best as possible. every step i take to give my note to the teacher are heavy. i can feel everyone's eyes digging into my skin and if i make one wrong move they will all see it.

"thank you" mr.m says directing me to my seat.

he starts to ramble on about physics that i dont care about. i daze off thinking about a life i wish i had. i wish that i wasn't so awkward. i wish i wasn't the fat kid no one wanted to talk to. i wish i wasn't the unlovable fuck up i am. no one will ever love you my mind screams at me. i wish i were anywhere else. school fucking sucks. there is nothing good about it. nothing what so ever. kids are cruel to me and teachers don't give a fuck if i show up or not.

"what do you think about this, dan?" mr.m says to me.

my stomach turns and my mind goes blank. my face turns red and i feel dizzy.

"he doesn't think at all so how could he about physics?" jake retorts.

"thats enough jake." mr.m says.

mr.m completely forgets to ask me the question again and just keeps teaching his lesson luckily. i hate public speaking. plus i have no fucking idea what he was talking about in the first place.

"tomorrow, we will get a new student in our class." mr.m says.

new students. mixed feelings for me because its either one more person to hate me at this dumbass school or one that could potentially be friends with me. no one wants to be friends with a fat loser like you i think to myself. i sit alone at lunch and no one really talks to me unless they are yelling at me about how big of a freak show i am.

***

the next day.

dan wakes up, on the air mattress this time next to his rusted blade from a pencil sharpener coated with dried blood. after a long debate with his mind last night to cut himself he did. he didn't see the point into why not. if it was something he was craving and it didn't hurt anyone but him who cares? he made a carving more than a cut on the front side of his forearm that says, "FREAK". he rubs his wool jumper over the carving and a piece of the dried scab peels off when he does that, causing it to bleed.

dan gets up and straightens his hair and stares at himself in the mirror. you'll never be skinny, you'll always be fat, his mind torments. Lumps of salty tears fall to the sink bouncing off of his face. he only points out his imperfections instead of noticing how beautiful he is. dan pulls up his shirt only revealing his stomach. he squeezes his sides just below his ribs and sucks in. you can never stop eating those greasy burgers you fat ass can you? just look at yourself, his mind teases him.

dan drops to his knees in front of the toilet and he starts to stick his fingers down his throat until he vomits. he does this several times till nothing comes up. then he washes off his fingers and changes into black ripped denim skinny jeans and a grey jumper. he scratches at his old scars and wishes he had never made them. he has ruined his own life he thinks to himself. dan walks downstairs to grab a small bowl of crunchy nut cereal.

"what the fuck are you doing?" dans father says.

"i am grabbing some cereal." dan retorts.

"you fat fucks don't need any extra calories in the morning. plus, thats my cereal you idiot." dans father says.

"do you even care about my feelings anymore?" dans says fighting back the tidal wave of tears ready to flow from his eyes.

"do you even have any? anything you truly feel is made up from chemicals from all your pills." dans father says.

dan drops the cereal box and storms out of the house to the school.