I HATE Mushrooms

Chapter Two: Time Therapy

"They danced around like young children at the park. Giggling uncontrollably at something they found hilariously funny. Something that the adults who surrounded them surely thought was dumb. But I knew that it wasn't stupid. "

Dr. Chancellor wrote down some notes as Cas stared blankly at the wall. The clock above the door ticked sheepishly compared to the overbearing quiet atmosphere. Chancellor finished his last sentence and put his clipboard aside. The sudden noise of wood meeting wood surprised Cas. She turned her gaze back towards him.

"Cassidy, I'm going to ask you something. I want you to be as honest as you can when you answer. Okay?"

Cas studied his face. It was serious. His thinning white hair traced his neck. The blueness in his eyes was almost reduced to white. There was little difference between the two colors. This made her feel uncomfortable. She had just about forgot that Chancellor had asked her a question. She nodded her head to his expectant stare. Chancellor licked his lips, sending moisture back into the dry, wrinkled flaps that covered his mouth. He touched his fingers together.

"Do you feel as if you are in danger?"

She processed the questions. Surely she felt protected by her mom. Like nothing could ever happen to her as long as she was safe within her mother's embrace. But maybe the questions meant something more. Did she truly feel safe? Her disorders pressed her to the edge of humanity. Often times she had contemplated her life. She asked herself why everyone always looked at her in the ways they did. As if they would attack her at any moment once she turned her back to them. Maybe the Cas she knew isn't the Cas that she is. This made her nervous. Her hands began to twitch. She tightened them into fists until her knuckles were white. She swallowed hard, forcing back the bile in her throat. She slowly and sadly nodded her head. Dr. Chancellor leaned forward.

"What are you afraid of?"

His voice was so plain. Too plain. It didn't sound right. She shook herself and whispered things under her breath. Chancellor continued to stare. Maybe his eyes would burn holes through her flesh. Maybe she would feel something. The ticking of the clock came to a stop. She didn't dare look up. But it was so tempting. It was like placing a cookie in front of a small child, and telling them they could not eat it. Every moral told them not to take the delicious treat. But at the same time, the sweet chocolate chips and the golden brown crust beckoned them into misbehavior. Would she receive a slap on the hand for just a glance? The time called her name. Cas. Cas. Cas. She felt guilty. She slowly turned her head. The hands no longer moved across the clock. It had stopped. But just as soon as time froze, it thawed out. A cool chill clasped at her body and forced her into a small ball in the chair. She turned her head back towards the doctor.

"Time. I'm afraid of time. I'm afraid of how it moves. How it stops. How it claims lives yet bores more. I'm afraid of the seconds when they turn to minutes, the minutes when they turn to hours, the hours when they turn to days, and the days that eventually turn to years. I don't like the speed of time. How it goes by so fast but terribly too slow. I'm afraid of the concept that it never ceases and that it's always been. I hate to think about time because it reminds me of how insignificant I truly am in the mighty universe. Because time means everything. Time is a baby's laugh, a summer storm, the sun and moon that rise and set, a unit of measurement, happiness, sadness, anger. Time is too big to grasp and I hate it. I hate it more than the dark, more than spiders and snakes, more than stuck up girls and those gross, dirty, deceiving mushrooms."

Doctor Chancellor sat in silence for a few minutes. He processed Cas' fears and assessed the best way to help. He tapped his foot and stroked his beard.

"The best thing you can do is remember that your fear is irrational."

Cas smirked. Then laughed coldly.

"Doctor Chancellor... 50 years ago, landing on the moon was irrational. Having computers the size of your hand was irrational. Legalized gay marriage was irrational. Now time. Time itself is irrational. It had no birth or expiration date. It's time. No explanation. That's what I fear doctor. The unexplained."

Cas stands up and walks to the door. She rests her hand on the knob. She turns her head back at Chancellor.

"The day you figure out how you can "fix" time, call me."

She walks out, leaving the doctor to think alone. She has never felt more justified in her life. Her mother begins to ask why her session was so short. But Cas utters not another word. She makes her way to their car and the ride home remains silent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The door bell startled me. I drew myself back to reality. Mom ran over to check who was there. She called out to me as she passed.

"Cas, can you grab some plates from the cabinet and place them on the counter?"

"Okay!"

"Please and Thank you."

I walk over and grab two Styrofoam plates and place them next to the toaster. I heard the faint noise of mom talking to a man outside. She laughed and said her goodbye. The door closed and a meaty scent glided into the room. Mom walked in with a pizza box in her hands. She smiled widely at me as she put the box on the bar table. The smell was familiar. Pepperoni sizzled on top of fresh mozzarella cheese. The scent of cooked peppers flew around my nose. And then the dreaded aroma of mushrooms hit me. I held back a gag and opened the box. I grabbed two sliced and put them on my plate. Mom and I carried our plates to the living room and sat down on the couch. She grabbed the remote and flicked on the television. We surfed through a couple of channels before deciding on animal planet. I looked down at my sad little pieces of pizza. They drowned in their own grease. They begged for mercy. I reached down and picked the mushrooms off, moving them aside. God, I hope they didn't taint the peppers. I took my first bite. It felt nice to have something in my stomach. I took another bite. And another. I devoured the piece, as well as the crust within a minute.

"You afraid the wolves are gonna steal your food?"

I looked up at the T.V to see a wolf chasing a rabbit. I then side glances at mom. She smiled stupidly at her own joke. I lightly chuckled. I returned to the TV. I become fixated by the program. I watched as the wolf started to catch up on the little bunny. His teeth were bared fiercely, snapping at the small animals legs. The chase continued on for at least another mile. Right when it seems the wolf has just about caught it's prey, it zooms into a small hole. A large victory for such a small thing. I relate to the rabbit. Society is the wolf. I run, run, run, as fast as I can. I escape. I'm safe. Or so I think. I'm ultimately at the bottom of the food chain. It's only a matter of time before another bigger, stronger wolf finds me. One that I won't be able to outrun. I sigh and stand with my plate. Mom looks at me.

"I'm full. I think I'm just gonna retire early."

I wish I could describe the sadness and disappointment in her eyes. It hurt me more than it should have. She nodded and reached out her hand. I realized that she was pointing at my plate. I handed it to her and she placed it on top of hers. She picked up the mushrooms and tossed them into her mouth. I made a disgusted face at her and laughed.

"I love you. See you in the morning."

I relay the message back to her. She smiles, but her eyes are still sad. I turn away before my tears get the best of me. I walk to my room and jump onto my bed. Lets hope for a better day tomorrow.