Serious in Love ✔

31- "Nothing of this insanity makes sense to me."

« AHANA »

There was an uneasy feeling sinking in the pit of my stomach as I climbed the stairs to Vansh's apartment. It was already bad that I shit myself two times this morning and now I felt like taking a third. I knew it was the dread taking over my body. There was no way my stomach could be full with just a  slice of sandwich.

As I reached the last flight of stairs, I revisited the memory of Vansh, who walked on the very same path to meet me on January. The happiness contained in that moment was ineffable. I sighed dramatically. As I stood before the white door of the familiar apartment, only one thought dominated my mind:

This was a terrible idea.

I wish I could turn on my heels and run to the other side of the globe, just to avoid this stinking confrontation. I wish I could talk it out with him through the phone instead. I wish I could lie on the sofa on the living room, watching TV and tell my love life to fuck itself. I wish I could do a million other things but I couldn't. It was like keeping a bread open for several days, then being forced to eat it, never mind it being inedible. Too much time had been wasted already. I had to force to face this as well.

It was only after walking back and forth, taking a few deep breaths, and forcing to eat a biscuit kept in my handbag that I was able to hit the doorbell with my finger.

It didn't took time for Vansh to answer it. He glanced at me once and told me to come in. It was mostly dark inside the house, in contrast to the sunny day outside. The furnitures were exactly as I remembered, the living room was cleaner too, yet there was something odd about the house. Something emptier and hollow. It made me feel gloomy in an instant. Geez, how the hell was he living in here? Maybe I should have invited him to a cafe, instead.

“What are you...?”

“I'm just opening these curtains. Its making me suffocate,” I answered curtly, pushing away the closed curtains. The sunlight reached the corners of the room, making it brighter. Much better. “Hope you don't mind.”

“Not at all,” He said quickly then paused, making me stiff. He rubbed the back of his neck, adding, “I- I'll get some water.”

He got away as if fetching a glass of water was his most favorite job in the world. In that moment, I realized something strange. Not once did we make eye contact with each other today. It said enough about how we were loathing to face the upcoming storm. But unlike the real storm that had the opportunity to run away, this was different. We were trapped.

Needless to say, I was feeling a bit better after having water. He stood near the study table while I sat on the edge of the bed with my legs crossed. Memories came rushing in as I let my fingers run in circles on the bedsheet. The bad ones. A minute passed. Then another, and another. There was nothing except complete, utterly, horrifying silence.

Come on, Ahana, you're here to let it out. Let. It. Out.

“Do you remember what happened here last time?” I broke the ice.

“Huh?”

“We were busy making out when you got away from me suddenly as if you discovered a mummy. What excuse did you give again?” I continued after a pause. 'Ahana, I'm tired. I think the road sickness is getting onto me. Let's not delve into this for now. We are on a break, remember.' Yeah, something like that.”

This seemed like a good start. Even Vansh couldn't help but steal a glance at me at the bitter tone I used to address his words. He balled his fist, looking away. “Yes, I did.”

My jaw clenched at his short  response. It was then I willed myself to remember all the bad things that happened that day— Our awkwardness that followed later on, me begging him to get back together, his empty promise, my fears. Then, I remembered the big fight we had over the phone and the cruel words he uttered in the end. It opened the metamorphical wounds I chose to close with a band- aid. Despite the slight clog in my throat, I smiled. I finally had the chance to lash out all the angst I buried for him in the past few months.