My Thoughts

Thoughts 11/20/17

This is going to be my public Wattpad diary. I could say it's to raise awareness for anxiety, but I just don't want to feel alone. My family doesn't understand. They're all so confident and happy and I'm sitting in my room feeling stupid and obsessing over some small embarrassing thing I said or did.

Anyway, if you like listening to other people's problems, have fun. If you have enough to deal with without listening to my complaints, have a nice day.

Today I had to present something for school. My class is only twenty kids, but it was freaking terrifying.  Plus, all the other kids are really outgoing and cheerful. I'm just trying not to have a panic attack, let alone make my presentation funny or engaging. I feel so stupid whenever I talk in groups. One on one I'm better, but I just freeze up and forget everything, even if it's just 5 or 6 people. So then, when I should've been doing the homework that is due tomorrow, I was trying not to cry when I thought of my day.

I just started writing on Wattpad yesterday, as a way to relieve my emotions. Instead, it's amplified them. Now I'm worried about whether or not my stories are stupid, or if I'm talking too much, or if I'm being too enthusiastic, or whether or not I should just give up, because my two chapter long book hasn't gotten any reads in 2 days.(not asking you to read it, just stating my emotions) I know my thoughts are illogical and pointless, but I can't help it.

Then, I feel like I can't do anything right. I try to tell myself that I'm good at things, but I can't believe myself. That, in turn, makes me feel worse about myself because I can't even say nice things about myself. What if no one wants to be around me because I'm so pathetic? What if the only reason people acknowledge me is out of pity?

Then my miserable life decides to make things worse by deciding to let me think about everything that I have done wrong in the past, like the time I was in the hospital because I was "too nervous" to eat. I know it was my fault I didn't eat. I know it's my fault my mother and father cried. It's all my fault. And when I think I'm better, I get nervous again and I don't want to eat again. I don't want to make people worry, though, so I just hold it in and try not to let it show.

I feel so childish. I like kids things, while everyone else talks about things I've never even heard of. 

I'm so sick and tired of feeling anxiety and depression all the time.

Anyway. Have a nice day, whoever you are, wherever you are and whatever you're doing.