The Apocalypse (A Parody)

Chapter 4 or The Battle Plan

The first order of business, now that I had declared war on the invader, was to draw up a battle plan. Actually, the first order of business was to finish my AP Calculus homework. Calculus done, I turned my attention to more pressing matters. Anybody strong enough to get through calculus is very capable of winning wars. After all, calculus was invented only to create evil geniuses. Before calculus was introduced in schools we had people like Hitler. Evil by most standards, but obviously not a genius. After calculus, we have Hannibal Lecter.

I decided to call together my War Council. "WAR COUNCIL, ASSEMBLE!" I screamed, and a genius  billionaire playboy philanthropist rolled in through the open window, two covert ops agent came in through the ventilation and a WW2 veteran and a Norse God strode in through the door. The big green guy waited outside on the lawn because he was too big to fit inside my house.

I seriously wish I could do that and the Avengers would come in like that. It would make my life a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the Avengers are fictional characters and the ventilation ducts are too small for humans to crawl through.

So I was stuck with my friend Candice (no, not the one with Phineas and Ferb for brothers. They would have been as helpful as the Avengers) who was on a date with what's-his-face and was probably snogging or something because she wasn't picking up my calls or replying to my texts. There was Martin, hacker extraordinaire who alternately cursed or yelled encouragement. It would have been nice if he was actually talking to me. He was probably playing some kind of violent computer game. World of Warcraft or some such think. I needed a good stratergist but judging by the number of times he was screaming insults at his computer every time his character died, I figured Martin wasn't my best bet.

In the end, all we have is Google. Well, at least all you have is Google. I had Bud and Google. I wish I could tell you that Bud is my best gay friend like all these girl protagonists have these days. Bud is a large stuffed dog whose fur was once a sickly shade of pink. Don't laugh and show some respect. Bud may be missing an eye and a ear and a limb or two, but he lost them while saving my life from a variety of creepy crawlies that insist on invading my bathroom.

I started with my best option. I typed in 'war' (no, Google, I would rather know what 'war' is, not stare at Warren Buffet's achievements. They only make me feel more and more inadequate. If you continue to suggest such things, I shall leave you for Yahoo!). I muttered a quick prayer and hit enter. As usual, Google came through. 

Wikipedia said: "War is an organized and often prolonged conflict that is carried out by states or non-state actors. It is generally characterised by extreme violence, social disruption and economic destruction." 

Honestly, that made absolutely no sense to me.

Urban Dictionary, on the other hand, said: "When you must kill your enemy before he kills you."

Of course, that was about 28 definitions down, but I had learnt a lot by reading the other definitions before it. Finding Urban Dictionary better than Wikipedia, I typed in 'battle plan'. 

"Battle plan: A methodical process of courting a good looking member of the opposite sex."

Feeling betrayed by Urban Dictionary, I flipped over to Tumblr. Tumblr is the best place to get information on how to kill people. So many Supernatural gifs. After about an hour, Tumblr told me that the best way to get rid of a body was to chop it up into little pieces and feed it to sharks. Excellent. Now all I had to do was find a way to actually kill him. Tumblr suggested spiders. A Black Widow, in particular. I wonder why.

I'm scared of spiders but I'm fond of snakes. A snake should do it. I wonder if Martin's brother will let me borrow his boa constrictor.