Jake was wearing the boa constrictor like it was some kind of gigantic, scaly...well, boa. He was talking to it like it was his pet dog (wait, he already had one, and it was staring at the snake with what looked like jealously in its eyes). But that's not what made me gasp.
He was barechested. Let me emphasise that: Barechested. No, the effect's not quite there. Let me try again. BARECHESTED. Ah, that's so much better.
His lowrider jeans barely clung to his narrow waist, exposing a V-line sharp enough to cut diamonds. He was broad shoulderd and tanned. And best of all, he was ripped. Those abs rippled gently as he turned towards me, his bulging biceps craddling the snake gently in his arms. Such beauty only existed in books or between the glossy airbrushed pages of menswear magazines or in the collected works of Michelangelo.
"Oh, hello," he said. "Come meet my new friend. Is he your pet?"
I stood transfixed as he took a few steps towards me. The boa suddenly slipped around me and constricted (that's what they're supposed to do apparently.) Suddenly, I found myself crushed against Jake's very firm, very hard, well muscled, very hot (oh, you get the picture) chest. (Did I mention naked? No? Add that in somewhere).
"Really, Crawley, are we really going to do this?" he said.
I did a double take because
a) I thought I heard 'Crowley' and not 'Crawley'.
b) Crowley is a very famous demon on 'Supernatural'.
c) I realised my mistake. The fact that I, one of the more advanced individuals of the species known as human females (biologically also known as Homo sapiens femina), had managed to get something wrong scared the wits out of me.
d) For those of you who haven't read 'Good Omens' yet, Crawley is the demon/snake that tells Eve to eat the apple and then changes his name to Crowley and brings about the Spanish Inquisition (oh, just read the book).
e) Jake's knowledge of both 'Supernatural' and 'Good Omens' made him go from hot to really sexy in the span of two seconds while I was still crushed against his chest.
f) The snake's real name was Sam. Sam the snake.
Was it just me, or was that snake actually smiling like it was proud of itself?
I must have been really distracted because I didn't notice Jake sliding his fingers into my hair. My face was suddenly cupped in his huge hands. His palms tilted my chin up. His lips were a few micrometers from mine.
Let me just state for the benefit of all those ladies reading this for advice on what's romantic and what's not: Being crushed by a boa constrictor into the chest of a very hot boy is not all it's made out to be. For all those boys who are looking for romantic things to impress girls with: WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
His abs were digging into my pelvis and the pain was irritating me. It was also distracting me from what his hands were doing.
"You're so beautiful." His voice was hoarse, ragged with barely restrained desire. His hot breath broke over my upturned nose in waves of minty freshness as his lips moved tantalizingly closer.
Okay, I'll admit that it didn't exactly go like that. I just put down 'ragged with barely restrained desire' because it sounds good. I have no idea if he was actually restraining any sort of desire. Or if he felt any sort of desire at all. (What can I say? I'm not very good with humans.)
Suddlenly we heard footsteps coming down the stairs. I tore my eyes away from Jake's face. He pulled back a bit but left his hands on my face. We both turned to face the person on the stairs.
My dad was standing on the little landing, his mouth touching the basement floor. (No, not literally, that's biologically impossible unless your mouth is as big as a whale's). He fixed Sam with a withering stare.
The snake unconstricted (can constrictors unconstrict?) and slid away to hide in the shadows. Clever move. Wish I could have done that.
Jake sprang away from me. Silence reigned for a few seconds before Jake stepped smartly forward, his hand outstretched.
"Good evening, sir. I'm Jake, your new boarder?"
My dad looked at Jake's hand like it was toxic nuclear waste. His fists clenched and unclenched. Was he seriously going to try and hit Jake? A middle aged software specialist who had been a nerd all his life taking on a young teenager who probably worked out like crazy. They would have had to find a way to explain to the police exactly how I had managed to drown in the pool of my own embarrasment.(Yes, emotions are not tangible things but my embarrasment would have been so strong that it would have liquefied instantly, like air in a baloon that's been dipped in liquid nitrogen.)
"Ahem. I...I seem to have disturbed you in the middle of something...um..important. I'm sorry," he blurted and fled up the stairs.
"What's up with him?" asked Jake. I shrugged, silently thanking whoever had just saved me from such a horrible fate.
YOU ARE READING
The Apocalypse (A Parody)
Paranormal"There are two things you do not do to a teenaged, slightly book crazed (okay, maybe not slightly), Romantic (with a capital R) girl. These are not in any guide book on any bookshelf in any part of the world." I have a lot to deal with right now...
