But I'm straight...? (panwink/linhoon)

Prologue

Jihoon's POV:

Being WANNAONE's Jihoon isn't always easy, not when I have a secret which can't be found out, unless I want my career to end.

I love the idol lifestyle most of the time, don't get me wrong, but sometimes this secret overwhelms me. I have no one to talk to it about, not even my closest friends from WANNAONE, I'm afraid they won't accept it. I wouldn't accept myself if I were them, either.

We haven't even debuted yet and i already feel as if my secret will eventually bring down me and my group with it.

But then again, I've been trying to control the urges for years and I'm getting pretty good at it, maybe. Sometimes I just about pull it off, other times, well I just can't help myself.

Like on Produce 101, where I failed.

I couldn't stop myself gaining a little crush on Samuel, try as I might. Obviously nothing came of it, because obviously I could never have told him and he's obviously normal and not into guys. But, I couldn't stop myself from liking him and that annoyed me. I could stop myself from forcing myself onto him, I'm not that stupid, but the crush was something I couldn't shift.

I only found out what was wrong with me when  I was about 13, that was when I heard the term "gay" for the first time and found out what it meant. That was when I could put a name to my "illness", as my middle school friends had put it whilst whispering the term and explaining what it meant to a once naïve 13 year old me, and I can't say I disagree. At that moment, my world came silently crashing down on me as my worst fears were confirmed, my abnormal and disgusting tendency to crush on guys and not feel anything towards females was, in fact, an issue, and everyone I knew would look down on me and disown me if they knew. So that's when I swore to myself I would keep this revolting irregularity under control by avoiding the temptation and urges to crush on males who I found myself attracted to and, I would never tell a single soul about it. And to this day, I never have.

But just because I had realised what I was that didn't mean I had accepted myself for it. I never have and I never will. I don't know a single person who is like me. No one is a sinner like I am. Obviously I want nothing more than to be either cleansed from this secret, or accepted for it.

But, on the bright side, regardless of the fact I'm in a group with many attractive guys, I've been able to keep myself under control and, thankfully, I'm not crushing on any of them.

Furthermore, thankfully in Korea it isn't abnormal to talk about a guy as being attractive or handsome and skinship is the most normal thing in the world, meaning holding hands with a crush and even hugging them wouldn't be seen as anything out of the ordinary. However, expressing any romantic feelings towards a guy would lead to complete ostracism. That's just the way Korea is.

Either way I always find myself getting disgusted at myself every time I begin to crush on a guy. Why couldn't I have born to like girls?

Why couldn't I have been born normal?