DOUBLE DEUCES (Part 4)

I'm A Mess

To say my life was that of a soldier walking through a land mine would be a understatement. I don't even know where my mind is these day's. So many people coming at me from different directions expressing their opinions on my life, I can't process anything. I can't think for myself. I finally understand why mom would insist on going off by herself occasionally. I feel the need to do that as well, just to gather my thoughts and see what it is that I want.

I know i still want to torch Erica and make Cole pay as well. Then theirs Jax begging me to love him and forget my vengeance on Erica and Cole. How can I love someone right now when I don't even love myself? My emotions aren't ready for any romantic relationships at the moment. My soul needs to heal.

Not just Jax though, Cole is promising to kill me now. I know he'll eventually come and try and I'll face that time when it approaches. For now though I'm morbidly angry at myself because after everything I still love that bastard and want him. I can't understand how I could actually feel anything for him anymore. I find myself daydreaming of him and our good times. I miss nuzzling my nose in the crook of his neck, just below his ear and breathing him in. It wasn't his cologne smell that drew me in to that spot, no it was him, his scent. The smell of his skin hypnotized me, brought out the animal in me. His scent alone controlled me. He knew this and always laughed at how I would constantly sniff him. Duiring our ridiculous tiffs he stopped and say "come smell me Miri". We'd breakout in laughter whilst the argument laid forgotten, and yes I would smell him then feel some kind of way. Like animals I do believe scent play's a vital part in attraction.

Don't even get me going on Pape. He is searching harder for Cole than I. You'd think Cole had cheated on him and not me. This is where my guilt lies. Because of my issues my parent's have a huge wedge between them. My Pape's anger at my mom as well as the Butino's is all my fault but he won't relent and let me handle this my own way in my own time. Trying to discuss this with him is like pulling teeth, his way or no way. I understand I'm his baby girl and he'd walk through fire for me but sometimes I need to do things my way. I will say since mom has started seeing Luca Pape has changed. He's not to focused in the business or my problems, but I fear it's too late and mom has finally had the last straw.

I also miss Sam and feel bad for avoiding her but her cheesiness and optimism isn't what I need or want right now. However odd as it may seem, Ari has been my backbone through this. I grown to know more about her and we really click. If I want to cry she tells me to suck it up and focus on my revenge. If I'm angry and ready for battle she's skipping right beside me ready to back me up. Then sometimes I can see the Cole in her, after all she is his sister and maybe that's what draws me to her. I feel close to Cole when I'm with her.

What's currently bothering at the moment though is my mom. I haven't had a heart to heart chat with her in awhile and I really need her. I called her three day's ago but she claimed to be sick and wanted no visitors. I can understand that if it were someone else other than my mom though, but mom would never tell me not to come no matter how she felt. So I called this morning and she gave me the same runaround. I then phoned Dem who said she had been telling him the same thing. Taking it upon myself, I decided to pay her a visit anyways.

I used a spare key she had given me upon moving. As I entered something just didn't feel right. The place was dark and still. Mom always streamed sunlight in, especially if we was sick. She always says sunlight helps you feel better. But I noticed other things that alarmed me. There was dust on the furniture, mom has always been OCD about dust and such. No t.v. playing or anything. Something was off here I just didn't know what.

Coming from the foyer, I stepped into the living room. Immediately I pulled my gun from my bag as I investigated the scene before me. There was some broken furniture about and some blood stains on the rug. Fear sprinkled over me as I worried about mom. Where was she and was she hurt or worse?

Inching my way through the house I creaked the bathroom door open and spotted a lumpy head curled up in the floor. Realising it was my mom, I gasped and rushed to her. "Mom, mom. Are you okay? What happened?"

She looked a mess. There was dried up blood on her face and head area. Her left eye swollen shut and ugly bruises marred her skin from head to toe. Gentley I tried to roll her over but she hissed out in pain. "Miri go baby. He could come back". She cried through cracked, dry lips.

I knew she needed medical attention immediately but I needed to contact Pape first. Fishing my phone from my bag I hit send.

"Yes doll baby?"

In a voice close to being hysterical I sobbed. "Oh Pape come quick. It's mom and something terrible has happened".

"Where are you?" He insisted.

"Her place. Please hurry."

"I'm already in my car. Tell me what's going on Miri?

"It's bad Pape. It looks as if she's been beaten."

Twenty minutes later my Pape rushed in. One glance at my mom and I knew from his exspression someone was going to die. Shooing me out of the way, he knelt down by her a mumbled in the most gentle loving way. "My babydoll, who did this?"

Scooping her up against the her painful cries of protest, he placed her on the bed. "Miri, contact my doctor and have him come immediately".

Pape raised her dress off to access all the damage. Footprint bruises were evident on her stomach and back. Her fingers swollen and obviously broke. She wasn't even recognizable. Finally she looked up at my Pape through her bruised eye's. "I tried London, I really tried. I tried not to scream but the pain became unbearable. He hurt me so bad".

"Shhh babydoll, I'm here now and he'll never do this again. Cry all you want with me, your safe. Tell me, did Luca do this?"

My mom reached up to my Pape wanting him closer. He leaned as far as he could without hurting her. "Please London, never let him do this again".

Just by the anger etched on my Pape's face I knew Luca would be dead very soon. Pape placed a kiss to her matted hair and whispered. "I will see to it personally that he never does this again".

My mom broke down again with her face against his chest. My Pape held her as she let loose while whispering loving word's in her ear. The love that radiated from his eye's was evident. This moment right here made me wish I could experience this type of love in my lifetime. As they held to each other, they held everything.