All About Camillus

Chapter 3 Section 5: Rejection

Last section, I mentioned about my depression.

To be honest, this is the only place where I told you readers about it. I did not tell my parents, because I would rather suffer myself than to actually make them involved.

I really just hide them with smiles. One smile, over a cracked smile, and over another.

To be honest again, I read through this whole book again today. And I was actually quite amused by my writing style last time. Just one year ago, where I can write humorously and place the message across at the same time. Now, I really could not bring myself to write as excellently as the past.

These smiles cracked, whenever I am faced with crises, and off I went, replacing it again.

Sorry if the biography turned to a depressing side.

And while I read what I wrote, I was really shocked. Different types of rejection that started out at my age of 13. Firstly, Clarissa's farewell. If you remember the content, good for you. Well if you don't, here is some extracts. She starts the message with "This message will be heartfelt as well as the cold hard truth at the same time." , then she continued by saying "I dislike it when you all are so lonely in school and have specific people you hate so much." and "Camillus, I feel that it has blinded you in the sense that you bring your personal conflicts with the person into project works and that is seriously what I don't think highly of." She ends off by saying "I guess the main point is that I have a whole new life, and I am (for some reason) leaving the past behind." 

Honestly, I don't feel any better leaving all of this behind.

Sometimes, I question myself, "Why leave those happy memories that we cling on so dearly?"

Yet, I understand that everyone changes. Be it for the better, or for the worse, only the person who changed actually knows. Even I do not know. To me, I think that this is the act of dumping the savings that you accumulated all your life, dumping it into the rubbish bin.

Perhaps this is how I interpreted it after all.

Perhaps the me one year ago may think differently.

But now this is just another round of my thinking.

One year after, I may think differently again.

[I would like everyone to note that I raised this incident not to bash my old friend, Clarissa, but to actually see how I would feel if that incident happens to me at this moment.]

To me, it really seemed like a waste of both time and effort - 3 years of building and cultivating a friendship just vanishing this quickly. But I honestly blame no one. Anyways, it was her choice to just leave all of this behind and move on with life. The only person to blame would be myself, for lingering on this like hanging at the edge of a cliff.

It's okay, because isn't it just another cruel melodrama placed out for the eyes of others?

2017 became a much harder year for me. All my intentions and efforts got rejected really badly. All that I pray for Christmas is to end this year on a good note...

Rejection seemed to be everywhere. All my efforts seemed to be futile. I got rejected by my CCA, by my classmates, by everything. 

So, do you think that I chose to hang on to the small edge of the cliff?

Honestly, suicide is a good ending in a melodrama.