What Memory Remains

Chapter 6

“I was stalking this man through an alley. He could sense that something was wrong, but he didn’t know for sure. The smell of his fear…it was intoxicating. It was almost an entire mile before I revealed myself to him…and you should have seen the look on his face! It was one for the books! He asked why I was following him. I told him that I was going to kill him. Naturally, he was perplexed by such a blunt statement, and then he was horrified when I unsheathed my katana. He ran, and I followed suit…and that’s when I realized the best part of killing someone. The chase!

The hunt in itself is the most rewarding part of it all. The anxiety, the anticipation, the fear of impending doom…it was like a drug. Round and round we went, turn after turn, alley after alley, street after street. Until finally, I tired of the game as he was turning a corner, and so I rushed forward and plunged my blade through him, impaling him completely.

It was the moment that I was pulling out my sword that I realized...there was not one, but two bodies on my blade. Everything went silent...time stood still. I pulled out my blade…and saw….”

Zenapharr’s lips moved with no sound, struggling to get the words.

“It’s okay, Zenapharr. Take your time,” Dr. Monroe said soothingly, her words like a cool relief to Zenapharr’s ears. He had attributed much of his progress to her. She was so sweet, caring. Not cold like him.

"It was…a boy. A young boy…my sword went right through him. At the same moment he was going around the corner he ran into a boy…and I killed him. That’s why…that’s why I wanted help. I’d gone too far…” He trailed off, and Dr. Monroe studied him. As emotionless as his words sounded, she could see him starting to break. His facial features were no longer the etched stone from before, it was closer to malleable clay. Truly, he looked to be in despair, on the verge of breaking down. Knowing of Zenapharr’s outbursts in the past, she wanted to be very careful.

“Zenapharr, I’m sorry. “

“Sorry doesn’t bring him back. Nothing will…it’s too late for him. Too late…”

“It was an accident. You didn’t mean to…”

“If I was in control, there would BE no accident! I tried to forget about it…but something won’t let me. Nothing’s been the same since.”

“How are you dealing with it now? That was six months ago.”

 “Well, I’ve given that some thought. There is one more thing I want to say…and once I tell Dr. Pennington that, I might go away for a while.”

 “You plan to leave? You shouldn’t, not before your therapy is completely…”

 “I WANT TO DIE, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?” Zenapharr shouted, his voice full of despair and sorrow, something he hadn’t felt in a long time. She recoiled, but realized it was not in anger. He hated this feeling overtaking him. It was so unlike the strong feeling that anger gave him. This made him feel insolent, like a child.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t…I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

“Zenapharr, nothing will change if you die. The boy will still be gone. You can do something good with your life...forgive yourself.

“FORGIVENESS? HAH! HAhaha! There’s no forgiveness for me!” Dr. Monroe noticed suddenly that the temperature in the room was changing. “Who would forgive me? A serial killer? A killer of children? No! I don’t deserve it…”

 Zenapharr opened his mouth as if to say more, but instead slumped back and stared at the ground. She could see he was shaking, unable to control the suppressed emotion rippling through him. As badly as she wanted to, she couldn’t comfort him to help calm his nerves. It was unfortunately against protocol to do so, which was frustrating considering that Dr. Pennington said it was important to make sure he didn’t get too worked up.