6/6/12- Sometimes I think I'll die alone.

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by Inkweaver

by Inkweaver

Howdy there. How's your guys's weeks been? Mine has been fine, I guess. Last Saturday, Heidi slept over at my house. That was fun. We made Nutella cupcakes, all of my freaking animals loved her, and Billy tried to teach her how to play Halo. That was pretty funny. We were all sitting on the couch, and Billy was trying (and failing, sorry Heidi) to teach her how to play. Eventually I felt sorry for her, because she was in a room with like six enemies, and so I snapped the laptop lid shut, grabbed the controller from her, and killed them in like half the time it took her to kill one. I never really played Halo before, because aliens just aren't my thing. But I've played Modern Warfare and Black Ops, those kind of games, so I guessed that the controls were basically the same. They were, and when all the guys were dead, I handed the control back to Heidi and messed around with the laptop a bit more.

Okay, so apart, Heidi and I are a little ADD. Have you guys seen the Pixar movie Up? When we're hanging out together, it goes from "Blah blah blah--what's that? Blah blah blah" to

"Ohh, this looks fun! How do you play it---Look! A newspaper! Ohh, is that a dead hamster along the side of the road? Nope! Hey look at the dunny babit! Isn't he cute? Rocks! OMG I think that lady is following us. Let's learn how to play bass! I love this song! Let's look at your tortured childhood pictures and shit in your closet! Is that a comic book? Dude, what issue is this? You thought you bought 1? It says 7! Let's go watch Sweeney Todd in your basement! LOL that dude's blood looked like tomato soup! Food? OMG THAT SPIDER IS LIKE A 36 INCH, PLASMA SCREEN SPIDER. Don't worry, it's so tiny, we can kill it. OH GOOD LORD IT JUMPS. ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION!!!!!"

So it's like those dogs going "Squirrel?" x100000. We stayed up until 5 in the morning, then woke up at 7 when my mom came home from work. Heidi had to leave at 8 because she had church. As soon as she left, I passed out in the middle of the floor and didn't wake up until noon. And that's the most exciting thing that's happened to me all week. I've just wasted my life away Sunday to now. Waking up at noon and going to bed at four in the morning.

I'm doing nothing with my life.

Starting tomorrow morning, morning practice starts. When morning practice starts, meet season starts. When meet season starts, I have no fucking life. My day literally goes:

Wake up

Swim Practice

Food

Sleep

Swim Meet

Food

Sleep

Repeat

And this is the vicious cycle that has dominated my life for the past eight out of fourteen years. And this may sound weird, but I love it. Because without swimming, I would just be some fat-ass failure that had probably killed herself by now. At least swimming gives me a purpose in life.

I'm in such a... spot.... right now. I just need someone to talk to. Like, my dad is being a prick, like he usually is, my autistic little brother is failing another grade, my mom who has Lupus and Multiple Sclerosis is never around because she's always working, and I'm just sitting in my room, over-analyzing myself, life, the world, fucking everything!

Give me a better cause to believe in.

I just have this abhorrence, this vex, this fear that I will never do something with my life, never be truly free from the minds of others. That society will beat me down with my own words, and I will have to succumb to the miserable world of my own mind that I've created over the years of self-denial and trying to make and keep others happy at my own expense.

Sometimes I really think I'll die alone.

I also fear that. No one will love me, and when all my friends and family die, I'll be all alone with no one there. My friends think I'm one of the strongest. So do people who barely know me. Even when you get beyond just me, I'm still strong. But really, I'm so weak. My little secret is that I want to act. I think it would be amazing. But I'm too scared. I can't even raise my head in the hallways at school, fearing that someone would judge me. It takes every ounce of courage that I can muster to push the Save&Publish button every day. I'm afraid of everyone, and everything. I blanket myself with a facade of smoke.

I know that I have a lot of things, and that I should be grateful. I am grateful. But my life is one big circle, one big cycle that I feel I can't escape. I live in a box that the world built for me before I could make decisions on my own. I know what I want, and what I want is to be free.

You guys probably think I'm so fucking stupid, just another whiny teenager complaining about a wonderful life, fabricating things and putting them out on the Internet for complete strangers to see. And you're more than welcome to do that. You are entitled to your own opinion. But this is all true, and this isn't just a fictional story that I made up just for the hell of it. I just needed to do this to have some kind of release, other than self-harm. I can still see the blood. And sometimes, talking to somebody is better than talking to no one.

You must think I'm some psycho now.

Sarah